iljb#63: I FEEL…

as though I shouldn’t be here. Where is here? The library…I know, I know, I’ve chosen to be here…I could be technically anywhere right now, but I chose to be here. So…why am I so upset? I’m upset because I feel like all this work, all this studying, all this annex work…is it all worth it? Am I going to look back and say…damnnn Joaquin, you sure worked your ass off fall semester…Shit…if thats the case…why do I feel like I’m still half ass’n? I feel so…well…disconnected right now with my friends, feelings, goals. Ultimately, I’m left feeling lonely…

Things have been just bothering me and just eating me up…my insecurities have definitely re-surfaced. However, I’m finding that I am able to face this demon that I once hid from and speak to “it”. I’m telling it to stop bothering me, I understand that things are not what they used to be – I am not what I used to be…but I’m telling it to stop. It feeds me so many lies, I swear I feel like I don’t know which ones are the truth and which ones are lies anymore…I feel so…

Well to begin with…I started thinking today…is this graduate school idea the best idea for me right now? Looking at what I need to do, what I need to get…I just feel like its overwhelming – I’m not even sure anymore…I don’t know where my life is going to take me next semester…You know whats weird…the fact that a few weeks ago…I had no problem with saying, “DREAM BIG” or “I CAN’T GIVE UP ON MY DREAMS.” But why does it feel like I’m giving them up right before my eyes…I have these jitter bugs…I don’t know if I can do this anymore…sigh…

I sit in class and I half pay attention because some of the concepts have been repeated over and over – being an Asian American Studies major has definitely just drained all the energy out of me…it sure has just become more of a pain learning all this shit – but a good pain because it hurts that this has been affect me and the rest of my community for years now. I know that what I do now is going to benefit my community in the end. I will become a counselor – a teacher – someone that makes an impact in ones life…

SIGH right now however, I feel so…alone…

I want to say what I feel, but I’m hurt. I want to say everything…

2 Comments to “iljb#63: I FEEL…”

  1. interesting read

  2. :hugz: Don’t worry, you’re never alone. When you ever feel alone…think of it as a moment where you can actually hear your own thoughts and make sense of them.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: