iljb#26: In terms of “fucking up”…I did

As I was surfing through my friends list on facebook, I was caught by an old friend that I used to know…well used to kind of talk to. I see him now only through his updates on facebook because he goes to school down in socal. I’ve seen him once ever since he left and that was when I went to that dance performance in Jan…what was it called…lol Anyway, I thought about the times when we did “talk” and how I really was trying to get him off my jock because he was young…well younger than me. I remember that he was so intensely (is that even a word lol) in “like” with me. When I think about it now, I’m more flattered, because he was/is a great guy. A big plus for him was that he’s a dancer and he’s smart. I guess at the time I was just too concerned that he was in high school as a graduating senior…but now its like FUCK..I fucked up.

It goes along with another guy on facebook which I’ve been knowing since 2005, when I was with my second bf. lol was it bad that I wanted him more than my actually bf? Well … we never really met…we had a close encounter…but that never happened. In the end…I’ve only messsaged and chatted with him from time to time…but as far as getting to know him…nah…in a way I feel that I’m not good enough to be on his level. I KNOW I KNOW…why I gotta be on his level lol. I dunno shrugs…hes a dancer too.

Then theres another one *rolls eyes* lol. We knew each other for quite some time…and decided one cold night to meet up around juan bautista. We walked and talked and sat down talking about how it was odd that we just decided to talk to each other and meet up after I posted my sn on myspace. At the end of the night I took him home and he then went in to kiss me. Softest lips by far! *cries* lol but then…it just went to fast that I never really got to assess the situation. I guess I had more than cold feet with him and never gave him a chance. *shrugs*

Then there’s this other guy who went to Berkeley and who knows my roommate. We used to talk, but we never got to know know each other. I guess I stopped talking to him because I felt like we had nothing in common, but he was super nice to me and was willing to just be there. I guess now since he graduated he’s too caught up with life and moving into a new house. However, he did message me that we should do dinner and he’ll pay. lol. I guess I never gave him the chance either.

Another guy (lol) was from sac and I met him through a party with a couple of folks. He was cool and chill…Real down to earth. But it was complicated and got complicated. It was nice for that time being because I got to know his friends and just play pool with them. But as far as anything else…I never got the chance to try it out with him cause I gave up knowing that it was too complicated…and well it was more of a safety issue…it just makes me sad cause to this day he continues to text me randomly and well we never have anything to talk about anymore…I mean we did at those moments that we were “talking”. shrugs.

Should I even continue? ha. Point is…in terms of fucking up…I did. I guess because I’m too scared to get into another serious relationship, the fact that I’m not sure if I’m ready to be committed, and just a combinations of past experiences that prevent me from being venerable. Sigh…it just makes me sad is all cause thats my problem of why I’m alone…I’m too scared of being committed…and I really don’t know how to get from point a then b to then c.

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