Archive for June 6th, 2009

June 6, 2009

iljb#24: The Truth Reveals Itself Sooner or Later

As I continue to watch Gossip Girl, I gain a better and clear understanding of myself. lol Silly as that might sound, I had an epiphany today about me. For one, my friend praised me for being the person I am not. She was so proud that I didn’t continue to go to that path I used to walk. I lowered my head in shame and chuckled. For once, I was faced with the truth about myself. I am not the person I make myself out to be…I am completely the opposite.

The truth is blinding and realizing this tonight was for sure a heartache. I had to turn down an offer…ha. Something that I usually would jump on without hesitation. But how does that temporary feeling show up in my life? How does that make me feel as a person? To that person? I declined the offer and sighed with a big relief. Like quitting a bad habit, the first steps are the hardest.

I then continued to contemplate about these past months and how truly disappointed and ashamed I am for what I have become. It has consumed my every action and has made me feel shameful for all my reckless deeds. I always replay the phrase…”What if you’re mother knew?” and “I thought I raised you better.” Unfortunately, we as human beings tend to make big mistakes and realize our routine is detrimental to us.

I also began to think. If I truly want a man…the man that I want and the ideal one for that matter. I must act like a man and not be easily persuaded by temptation. Again, declining the offer tonight was definitely a hard decision. Another reason for me thinking of the man I truly want to be is the fact that I do honestly want to get to know someone, however…my actions these past weeks have made me feel more guilty than ever. I am ashamed. But I have to begin somewhere right?

It pains me because I know I will be judged. It pains me that my journey has been a trail of incomplete relationships followed by broken hearts. I’m in disbelief in what I am writing because it isn’t until today that I realized the damages I have caused to myself. Maybe thats why I was crying uncontrollably last night, aside from the fact that I was intoxicated, because deep down I knew who I was…but hid all that from people, my friends, and especially me.

Summer begins differently this time around as I turn over my ways and retire who I was. I am not proud of any of it…I have to excuses. However, I do wonder where these actions might be a result of? Like I told Mary today, I wasn’t the same after Kit…I meant that.

Seems to me, learning the hard way, is better than not learning at all…

I am guilty, I accept full responsibility, and I will own up to it…for my sake at least.