Archive for June 3rd, 2009

June 3, 2009

iljb#22: The Real Gossip

As much as I would like to give all the credit to Gossip Girl and her band of drama invested characters for giving me reason to begin my own drama, I believe drama rather found me instead – and by surprise if I might add.

To begin with, I figured I’d address my thoughts on the whole “YOUTUBE star” or whatever the hell people call it. As much as I’d like to be proud to be known on the internet as the guy from youtube, I cringe every time I hear people use that fame against me. Just because I’m on the internet with a substantial fan base, does not mean I am way too good to talk to anyone. If anything, I have kept it real, raw, and open. However, some might feel otherwise, like the recent comment I got on youtube by this guy name Jermey. He commented on my video stating that…

you talk all this shit in your video but then list yourself as straight on your myspace.


First of all, who are you to judge me? You don’t know me, only through youtube. Second, why does my myspace matter to you anyway? I barely update that thing to begin with, I only use it as a source for people to message me and for me to keep updated with my friends. Third, who the fuck are you to be talking and leaving me comments like that!? This isn’t your first might I add. Just because my status says straight on myspace, does not make my advice or what I say less meaningful. I am so so sorry that you got offended? Aw…Sorry -_-.

Which leads me to my next topic, folks who really idolize me, breathe me, LIVE me in their every day life. They think of me every second they can and when they see me, they have a lot of balls to say that “WE NEED TO TALK”. Mmmm and if it was THAT important that we need to talk, then you would address it right then and there. I would think after all these months, you would get over yourself and stop criticizing what I do. As much as you are insignificant in my life – I seem to be your everything in yours. “Offended?” PLEASEEEEE when do you not get offended by me? First off, get off your high horse and fucking grow some balls and tell me what the fuck your problem is. If anything, if you have a problem, address it, fix it, then move the fuck on. Instead of leaving your scent of asshole for me to smell the rest of my day. As much as I tried to make amends, you definitely did the opposite. I helped you out without you asking because apparently EVERYONE knows it, but you. I sucked my pride by congratulating you in a wonderful program this year, the least you could do was say the same for me. And why do I have the right to talk about you months later after all is said and done. Well dear friend, you seem to TWEET all the unnecessary hatred you have towards me. AND really? How mature is that? And to think, I let you say all that shit to me during the summer…I should have fucking told you to get the fuck out. And for the record YOU OFFEND ME.

As much as we like to think we can PLEASE everyone, the fact of the matter is you can’t. Even your true friends can turn on you without notice.

I guess for me, I’ve just had a uphill battle with myself and my friends. For one, Gossip Girl has really taken form in my life through my friends and their actions. For starters, a bombshell exploded when a particular friend told another friend that they had a dirty secret that has been kept for over a year – everyone knew…but him…and apparently me too. -___-. Another exciting turn of events is when a simple conversation with a friend turned into more than just a dispute, but rather question of friendships. Lastly, a friend telling me that I am unapproachable in the eyes of an individual who doesn’t know me. So why does this all matter to me right now? Because all of my insecurities about me have surfaced.

As much as I say I am a strong person, who gives advice if needed, I am like the rest. Confused and in search on answers. The strong eventually weaken and crumble.

But I wonder why that comment of “unapproachability” bothered me the most. Am I really “stuck up?” or “hard to talk to?” I mean I admit, I am more so aloof than anything when it comes to people. I am also rather cautious when it comes to opening up. But I am never a closed book. I don’t get where folks get this idea of me. Do I really come off that strong to folks – that I, Joaquin, am a stuck up bitch? I know, I know…the simple – Why do I care about what other people think about me, but to me this is hits closer to home.

As much as I am trying not to dwell on recent events, it makes me question why I wasn’t appointed. Was I not qualified? Was I not the right candidate? What was I lacking? Was it because of my unapproachability? Is it because I am older? If anything I would see that as a good thing. I guess I have been questioning myself and my credibility as a person. Am I good enough? Am I worthy enough? The response I got from a friend was – don’t dwell on that – stop it. Honestly, I know – But its hard to not dwell on something thats real personal to me…especially when I thought I was going to get the position. As much as I was ready, confident, whatever I had during that interview…I just feel that it was a defeat to begin with…I question myself…I continue to question myself…

As much as I try to open to my friends about it – I don’t get the same response from everyone. Sigh…I guess the tables have turned – the person who always seems to listen, needs the same in return – however…am I really getting through to folks – I AM in need of someone to listen to.

I know my bff means well…and I understand that he was here today showing efforts in why I was acting up. However, it wasn’t until I acted up that my life seemed to be a priority to even be discussed. I feel that recently, I have just taken in my problems and dealt with them, listened to me. It was unfortunate how all my problems happened during the week of graduation…I mean…why spoil a momentous achievement with someone’s troubles? I guess thats my bad as well…But the reason why I didn’t open up to the bff is because I felt that it was pushed and insincere. As if it was a joke…sigh…I have a lot on my mind and the last thing on my mind is being mad at the bff…however, it was natural for me to act that way because of the circumstances.

Answer me this…

A friend is supposed to be there no matter how broken the record is…correct?

I guess what I’ve been dealing with is something deeper and something that I have discussed with a few friends. As much as I’d like to have paid to get my answers, I can’t afford that luxury nor would I want to. Sometimes I feel that you have to go through the struggle to understand yourself a little better. It works for some and for others it doesn’t. For me, I like to earn my degree in life, not have it handed to me on a plate.

I guess I was just hurt just hearing what I did from my friend. Understandable, it was RAW for my ears to hear, but understand…the words coming out of that persons mouth was not the person I knew. That is why I posed that question earlier. A friend is supposed to be there no matter how broken the record seems, at least in my book, because as a friend its ones duty to be able to comfort and stand side by side, even if that means not saying a word. It made me question the credibility of my friend and why it came off like that. But right now…I’m still trying to figure out my thoughts of how to approach the situation because my thoughts are definitely scattered.

The only one who I’m able to express this to…is well…here on my wordpress.

I have work later today and its my friends birthday at midnight. I haven’t replied if I could attend the dinner…I’ll reply back tomorrow. I hate when I’m placed in this situation, especially when it comes to special occasions like a birthday dinner. I am broke. I am surviving by myself. And when I say myself I don’t mean my family is helping me. I mean…this is the real deal. Every pay check goes to rent and the rest on food and gas. Unfortunately, gas is a bitch since my car eats a lot of it …and well food sigh…I wish I knew how to cook. In any case, I guess I am always placed in a position where I must choose to either fake it till I make it or to just tell the truth that I am broke. I hate  when I’m in this situation because I was in the very same boat as I was last year…broke…starving…blah but it was definitely way more worse…:P .95 cents I recall in my account. HA. =/ I mean thats the biggest trouble I have in my life right now…finances…I’m trying to make the best of it…however…its still the same…I’m in the shits. I hate when people have to pay for me…I feel like an idiot. Like that one time Mary decided for our friends to go out and have dinner…I didn’t expect her to pay 70 bucks for both of us…but she did…and she had to add, “Damn I could have went to banquet.” or something around those lines…the guilt trip of me knowing someone had to pay for me sucks…and even worse…me just wishing I declined the invitation. Especially with tomorrow, I don’t want a pitty party. FAR from it, its just I can’t afford to attend and I don’t want to be a burden at the table when it isn’t right to take any spotlight from the birthday boy.

As much as I’d like to continue to rant and rant about the REAL gossip in my life, I think this will suffice…considering it is already lengthy…I love writing…it eases my soul.