Archive for June 1st, 2009

June 1, 2009

iljb#21: Summer Begins

Twisting and turning. My thoughts shift back and forth as I dwell on certain events, people, and life in general. So much as happened in a span of a few weeks. So much has happened that I haven’t even caught up with all thats been said and done and just reflected on it. As much as summer is beginning, I feel like it hasn’t even started yet. I have so much to look forward to, but at the same time so much to overcome this summer. With the routine I have set for myself on a daily basis, I feel like SUMMER…is just one big bummer. =[

Personal: I haven’t been able to pin point if I do have depression or if I was just caught in a lot of stress, but I think its both. The past two months have been rough on me, especially with the change of my future. I’m dealing with stuff internally that I can’t seem to always understand. I get weirded out at times because I feel like when I do things, its out of my character. I wonder. I am really Joaquin? These couple of weeks have truly tested my merit as an individual and has opened my eyes to a lot of things. One is that, I have a future ahead of me and I need to focus on that future. Two is that, I need to worry about me and not everyone else. I feel that I’ve been lacking the religious side of me for awhile now…I know its because of this that I am in the shit hole. SIGH…I’m not quite content with my life…mostly because of my finances.

Relationships: I am scared of commitment. YUP, I said it. That is the reason more than half of my relationships fail, the other half is just because they fail. I have this ideal guy in my head with all these qualities I want. I have this guy in my head who will hopefully sweep me off my feet and make me happy. However, as I wait for that guy, opportunities arise. I take em, but I know they’re not the one…I take that risk, but end up being a douchebag. Relationships haven’t always been my cup of tea because I can’t even keep one. I am scared of what I have forgotten. I was sweet…I was kind….I did all the things that any guy would want…but as time passed, it seemed that things I did for people were nothing new to me…they’re all the same…”THE game is the same, but the players change.” I don’t deserve nice guys because they are way too nice for me. I don’t deserve assholes because I know I should be treated better. SO where does that leave me in REALationships? shrugs…I compare myself to folks who are in a relationship. I ask myself why I’m not there in their shoes. I ask myself why I can’t have that. I ask myself why…its so difficult for me to be with someone who is on my level and who is just what I need. I need a man who will own up to his mistakes. I need a man who will be able to take care of me and himself. I need a man whos educated in all aspects from books to how to make a guy laugh. I need a man whose responsible. I need a good looking kinda man. I need a mannnnn! I just don’t get why I still haven’t been in a long relationship yet…a legit one….I even asked myself a few weeks ago if me breaking up with KIT was a mistake…I mean…we were in it to win it…almost 2 months of talking…but I decided to cut it off…was that wrong? SIGH….-__________- REALationships are supposed to make you smile. I don’t want to hurt the nice guys…I don’t. I don’t want to lead them on…I just like the idea of being in a relationship…shrugs…maybe I’m just not quite ready.

Friends: The backbone of my existence. After four years of being together, some of us have reached graduation day. Its intense knowing that a year from now, I too will be graduated. Our friends are close enough that we call each other family and because we’re family there’s so much drama! As much as it it entertainment…its exhausting. I know I can burden them with my problems, but I just haven’t recently. I just feel a slight disconnect with my friends when it comes to my problems…I mean I feel like its as important as theres, but I just haven’t recently expressed it to them. Sometimes I feel like they care and other times I don’t. I mean thats the motions of being friends…you’re there one min, then you’re not the next. In any case…lately…I haven’t turned to them with how I feel about certain things…I’ve only said it…but not really talked about it too much in detail…I guess thats just my way of handling things on my own like I usually do.

Family: This past weekend while being at home, I look into my families fridge and there was¬†absolutely¬†nothing. I mean…food here and there…but I was just like damn yal are struggle as much as I am up here in SF. It was just sad because I heard my sister say to my mom, “We aren’t goin to be able to do laundry anytime soon.” I even had to ask my brother for 10 dollars for gas…Something I rarely do. Asking money from my family is like asking the poor to spare change. The burden for me to get a better job was clearly stated more so this weekend by my mom. I have to get a real job to help in raising 1000. Its not that easy you know…when you can’t even count on your parents to help support you…but you trying to support them. SHIT I’m barely surviving on my own up here…Bills after bills…its like I never ever enjoy my pay check in the summer…and if I do its not on anything cool…its on food. SHOOT gas is even more of a trip now a days seeing that its way expensive. MAN…summer begins with me getting a new job…none of this jamba fucking business…SIGH…I hate summer because I can barely have fun like the rest of my friends…I work and hustle to get by…My bank account right now is at a low again…=/ I’m just depending on that raise…fuck I do so much…=/

Future: Well…I’ll end it here for now…I’ll continue later