iljb#18: Mins wasted…and counting

Day four, three, … what day is this for me? I seem to have the same routine again and again. Late nights…and well none productive whatsoever. This lack of motivation to do what I need to do has taken over me hard. I’m not sure if its the depression or just the lack of motivation to do what I must. I seem to have sunk in a huge hole where I can’t seem to get myself out of. To give up is just something I seem to do so well. I have been questioning why I am at school. Why am I blessed to have an apartment to live in near state, work, friends, experiences here and there…but seem to just take all that for granted?

Its so true what I learned about myself a year ago when playing the cube game. When shit hits the fan, I sure take everything down with me. I’m not saying that all this feeling is attributed to the lack of men in my life or relationship, but I do acknowledge it is part of it. Of all people, I know not to let guys get the best of me, but its crazy how the situation has just attached itself to it. I’ve been keeping myself semi busy with fucking around and not doing what I need to do. Procrastination simply put. This feeling hasn’t gone away and I’m not sure why its decided to stay. Its like I mentioned before a past that has come back to haunt me.

I sound like I’m making excuses and just making it seem like a bigger deal than it is, but that is definitely not the case. I know what I am capable of, but I feel like theres this barrier or wall preventing me to get through this. I’ve tried to let my friends know about my depression, but it just seems that its not a big deal…or its just a phase that I need to get through…I guess thats why I never used to tell people that I felt this way because of that response. And I don’t blame them…what do you say to a friend that is depressed? I guess lately, I’ve been really vocal about my life with my friends…more so than ever before, that the responses that I do get from them are well not the type of responses that I would expect. I guess because of this I’m really guarded…I guess I’m bringing this upon myself to feel this way…I dunno…I know its up to me…I know I shouldn’t act this way, but I’m extra sensitive when I get like this…its gotten worse…I feel like hs all over again.

SIGH…I want to say that this came about bc of my recent relationship, but to be honest I’ve been feeling this long before that. I’m wasting my life away…slowly…not accomplishing a damn thing. I don’t deserve to be here…nor do I deserve this privilege…I’m taking it for granted…SIGH…

I was telling Ryan that one time at work I had to tell myself to stop talking to me cause this voice was talking to me. I mean…I don’t want to sound crazy, but I feel like its getting the best of me…slowly…I dunno if I’m being punished or what.

When I look in the mirror…I don’t see me…I see my failures…sigh.

Minutes wasted…and
I’m still counting.

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