Archive for April 24th, 2009

April 24, 2009

iljb#14: Failing is beauty at its best

Diving into something wether that be a career, a relationship, or a commitment, there will always be that fear of failure. Failing to succeed, failing to keep whatever it is going, just plain failing. You can’t blame us for fearing the worst because when we have something so good, we tend to freak out and well try to make sure we don’t fuck it up – at least for me. However dreadful the fear of failing is and however much it consumes our every thought, the truth is – failing is beauty at its best. Meaning, when we fail – our true colors come out and the true character in which we hold true shines. When shit hits the fan, we learn that pain is part of the process, but learning how to pick oneself up is the other half. That is why its beautiful because in the end – you come out strong and better than before.

Fail to succeed in the end.

I’m struggling to understand myself every day. I’m struggling to find truth in myself. I’m struggle to get the answers that I question myself. I struggle. I am single because I do have high standards. I am single because I seek someone who is close to perfection in my eyes. What am I searching for? The one person who I know can make me weak in the knees. This past year alone, I have seen the best and worst of men. But for the most part I’ve learned the quality of what men can provide and give me. Its almost the middle of the year already and I have experienced so much with relationships with men. I am to difficult to understand, too difficult to please, a heart breaker to describe myself at best.

The men that I have engaged myself in relationships with have given me a clear picture of what I do not want, but also given me a clear picture of what I enjoy. However, it is obvious that these men are not for me…I am still single because no one can keep up with me. I am well beyond my years mentally, emotionally, and physically. Not to say at all that I am perfect, but I know I have a good head on my shoulders.

What you see on youtube is just half of what I’m capable of spitting. What you experience in person is just half of what I am capable of. The only one who truly got the best of me recently was probably Kit. And I don’t without a doubt regret anything, I just wished that things played out differently.

I am accused of giving up, I am accused of not being able to hold a relationship longer than a month or two. I am accused of being too rational. But…again…I’m not here to prove to anyone why I do what I do…though I sometimes do…but truth is…if you aren’t here on Joaquin’s team to understand where I’m coming from…then you aren’t for me. I do what I do with reasoning…always with reasoning. I have no room for lies. I don’t lie. I spit what I am and what I feel. But I am always accused of doing the opposite. I am not what they thought I’d be. I don’t know what I want…blah blah…but why is it that every time I do end shit with these men, they fall back in line asking me to be back with them? I give people chances, I do…Three is my motto. Because first mistakes are ok, seconds…alright …third…nope. I might be harsh, but its like…we all aren’t trying to waste time in finding that someone…and I sure am not…

I feel like men to me right now are bland…I don’t need a man right now…though the though of it seems nice…I obviously haven’t given myself time to breathe alone…and cater to myself…I’m always falling…falling because I trust that what I’m getting myself into is true…I don’t ever lie with what I feel or say, but I do hold back with good reason. I don’t want to fall and get hurt cause I know how that feels…likewise with the men I’ve been with…but my big thing is communication…if you can’t hear me out like I hear you out theres no room for us to be in a relationship.

I want a man…not a kid. I want a man…not someone who thinks that they are. I want a real man…not someone who fronts. A man is someone who is able to communicate what they feel. I man is able to grasps what I say and spit something back at me to remind me that there is still intelligence in this world. A man knows how to admit to fault. A real man knows how to be humble and show some humility. A real man never makes someone feel like shit and if they do, knows when to be able to comfort them right. A real man never promises to give someone what they want, but agree to work on the things that are a work in progress. A man is someone who knows how to be in funny but serious at the same time. A man…a real man will prove me wrong in so many ways…that man…is somewhere…

SIGH…

There are many reasons of why I am sad and a little depressed, but this too shall pass…