Archive for April 21st, 2009

April 21, 2009

iljb#12: Slight Depression is depressing.

This lack of motivation and drive to do what I need to in school has been setting me back. Its also affected an amount of interactions that I have with several people and outlets I used to interact with. Goes to show that when shit does hit the fan, I take everything around me and involve them in it too. This slight depression isn’t new, I’ve had it since I was in high school and part of college. It got to the point where I used to cut myself in high school…I felt alone…I felt like my life was crashing down on me. That just also happened to be the years I was struggling with my sexuality and coming out. Now however, I just feel like its a different kind of depression…this depression of life and school…I have been giving up on everything I know I am capable of doing…I have just said…fuck everything…

This downfall that I’ve been having these past two semester have definitely been the worst. I’ve never said that I’ve hit rock bottom with school ever…but I can say now that it has become true. I want to be a designer…I want to understand the concepts and whatever…I know that others have worked their butt off to want to be where I am at state…but I’ve just been giving up and have just lost all motivation. I look at the people around me…they’re doing something with their lives…some of my friends are going to graduate this year and others are still struggling to get by so they can graduate…Unlike me…I’m just giving a big fuck you to the world and could care less about what I do in school. I feel like the “bad kid” in school who goes to school but doesn’t really give a fuck about school…I’m just there to be there…

And where the hell did this all come about? HOW? I mean…I never was the bad student…I never wanted to be…but look…I’ve become my own worst nightmare…which leads me to conclude…do I have a slight depression…because I feel like I do. I seem to feel good one day, then the next not…Nothing completely bad has happened. Actually everything is fine in my life…but I just feel like something inside me is ticking to make me feel this way…this ugly monster that has awakened from its five year slumber…has come to terrorize my final years in school… discouraging.

I believe that not being involved in anything this semester has made me depressed. This time of season I usually am kept occupied with PCN, but I decided not to because of school…HOW lame of me because I haven’t once really focused on school…I’m doing like 30% right now…the other 70% is just like WTF am I doing here. I already want fall semester to begin to have a fresh start…I already want to just start over…

Its been awhile since I did youtube and actually felt like doing it…my recent video was doing it for the sake of doing youtube. Myspace and downelink have just been a routine check up, rather than update like usual. Communicating with a few friends have been constant, but feeling empty inside…work is a routine that I keep on doing everyday…I’m not moving up…I’m not getting paid more…I’m just…ugh…=/ the same place I was before…sigh…

Does this also attribute to me not going to church…not asking God for help…I dunno what it is…I just feel soo lost….=/

I don’t even know why I even began to write this blog…I feel it to be¬†unnecessary¬†now…blah =/

FIND my motivation before the semester ends…I shall…