iljb#2: Talks, talks, and more talks!

If my situation right now couldn’t have gotten more worse than it already is…it just did. An hour ago, I had a conversation with my boss at Jamba Juice (1 on 1 kinda conversation). It was so different from my other manager who used to do 1 on 1. Oh by the way, I was totally FUCKING up at work today cause it was just me and Maria (my manager) on the floor. I felt like such an idiot because I kept on doing mistakes that were to me and her un-expectable. Anyway, she talked to me about how she is concerned with my performance at the job and how I am not consistent with how I perform at work. Granted I’ve been working for Jamba for over a year now and I should by now know the attitude I should have when coming to work, however, if your co-workers don’t make you feel that way about work anymore, why should you? I’m at Jamba Juice because its flexible with my work schedule and to be honest its a decent job. Anyway, she just told me how some of the leads feel a little intimidated to train/call me out on certain things…I can come off as intimidating she said. I was like FOREAL? Cause to be honest Theo is that to me. In any case, I stated that I just need feedback and I just need to know wassup so I can be a better team member. Again, I know I’ve been here for over a year now, but its like finding my way back to why I joined Jamba in the first place.

I just felt the conversation went in circles because I understood where I stood in the situation and I understood where she was coming from. I just felt like man…this conversation again…mannn I’m hearing the word consistency yet again. And it made me cringe because of all the recent events occurring in my life…this was the last thing I hoped…especially this week. But note taken. I got it…I understand…I’m gonna do my best to be a better team member.

Reflecting on Maria saying she feels there’s a lack of consistency with me I in return am trying to figure out if there is any connection with my relationships with folks in general. The comment “Oh thats just Jar” surfaces in my thoughts because it bug the fuck out of me how some folks can just say oh thats JAR…don’t bother just ignore him. Its like what the fuck…I don’t say, do, or act on things because I just want to stir up drama. If anything, I just want I just want an understanding with folks that this is where I am coming from. I don’t get why its okay for others to state their point and when I say mine, I’m feeling like I’m the dick in the situation?

– disclaimer: not for you, but for “you” to read –

This whole “best friend” bullshit is really dragging on. I gave it three weeks and nothing has progressed. If anything a huge set back because of recent events. Knowing what “you know”, knowing that “we are best friends” why do I feel like I’m still the one that has to “talk things out”. I’m tired of having to be the “better person” in going to people and telling them my qualms. I have no problem in folks telling me they got some shit that bugs them about me, but what I do have an issue with is if you tell me through text, email, or aim and not in person. So what if you are right and I am wrong, the principle is that I rather have REAL interaction rather than this fabrication of communication through technology. However, it seems clear that this situation is going to stay where it is because the two parties involved can’t find some common ground. I’ve let down my pride many times in the past…now I’m taking a stand for myself.

I can’t help but express this because every day I have to wake up knowing that my current state is uneasy and unhealthy for me. Yet, I proceed in my day as if it doesn’t phase me. I’ve become a rock when it comes to things like these and I am always criticized for doing what I do…”Jar why don’t you talk to him?” “Jar what is the issue?” “Jar why did you do what you did?” Wait…where is the other person in this picture. Theres something wrong obviously and the person who is a part of it is saying little or zero in response to this. My response is “some best friend we turned out to be”. WE. Not you. Not I…WE.

I’m hurt because I’ve done my part in being a friend. I’m hurt because the only person who really should know is the person who is involved in this. YET he still has no clue of what the fuck is wrong. I’m hurt because I felt that the only times that you talked to me was when you had a problem. I’m hurt because I went out of my way to accommodate to you as a “best friend” and it wasn’t close to even being reciprocated. I’m hurt because you can only talk to me through im’s, email, but not in the most simplest form of communication…in person. BEST friend? Why are you scared to just say your peace? And I’m honestly drained because I feel the same as I did when I started. Can’t go forward, can’t go backwards, its just what it is.

If I meant anything to you what so ever, we wouldn’t be where are today. Unfortunately, we are where we are.

Situations got escalated…and well I don’t care whos right or whos wrong…but just that what I am saying is in public viewing for you to stumble on and regardless of how you feel about the situation, that you know my side. A small taste of my hurt.

But to top it all, what hurts the most is my so called “best friend” couldn’t let down his pride for one day for the person he cared for because we weren’t in talking terms. For one day. A definite sign that this isn’t worth you fighting over or me fighting over. It is what it is and the chapter is almost at its end.

This seems to be all sooo dramatic or so cliche in how I am doing this, yet this isn’t for you to understand, but for the one person who is really involved in this to grasp. And like I said, if it so happens that you stumble upon this, then so be it.

But mark my words, though we aren’t in the same boat as we used to be – same page – whatever, know that whatever happens with the person you are interested in, if they end up getting hurt like they did before because of some misunderstanding or whatever bullshit it might be, I will make sure to make it my point to be a part of the situation. I can’t afford her crying uncontrollably because of some guy hurting her.

Until then, my peace with you is my peace – I have nothing left to say to you or to our friends. The talks, talks, and more talks that involve you will slowly fade.

I’m a good person right? I’m not a bitch right? If not, then why do I feel like I’m doing everything all wrong. Why do I feel like I’m the idiot. Situations like these used to be so much easier to handle back in the day…However…this is our fourth year in college…have we learned nothing from our past? I said it before…my group of friends are crumbling before my eyes…things aren’t the way they used to be…the “font” that we used to call…are now just scattered by individuals hanging out with certain individuals and talking about certain topics…blah blah blahhhh.

JUST STOP!
CAN WE ALL JUST STOP!

Where the fuck did it all go wrong? WHERE THE FUCK? How did we all end up staying up late at night talking about the same bullshit that was bothering us the day before? And is this bullshit even worth our breath or our time? RIGHT…ITS NOT…

JUST STOP…
CAN WE ALL JUST STOP!?

What the fuck happened to our relationships with on another…folks not being able to talk to their own roommates, best friends loosing each other after so long, love interests too complicated to put in a perfect equation that equals happy, and drama in organizations that is starting to lose its credibility because of certain individuals pride getting in the way.

Is this what 2009 had in store for me? For my friends? FOR US?
Is this what we will continue to talk, talk, and talk more about?
This bullshit…THIS bullshit

5 months from now, a year from now…wont matter…

Keep talking…cause it feeds everyones insecurities about them…and the situation itself….
whatever it is.

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