I get like this …

I get like this when I’m alone and sitting under the sun at state. Its crazy to just remind myself…you’re a friggin senior on this campus (not graduating though) and you pretty much know the ins and outs of this campus better than most. However, why do I feel at times like I am still lost and still trying to figure out what the hell I’m doing in my major. Sure I’m taking classes to enhance my understanding about the world. Sure I’m writing essays and responses to condition myself to write properly. BUT what the hell am I really doing? Where the hell am I going with my life. 

Some of my friends are graduating this year and yes some of them are still unsure what they’re going to be doing after graduation, but I know that they have a better handle on their career than I do. Its like a paper without a thesis, there’s no relevance or importance without a guide or direction. 

I’m good at graphic design, I have concepts, I can’t think of creative models, but …what the hell am I going to do with that if I don’t know what internships I’m going to take, how I’m going to get there, what aspect of design I want to focus. UGH, I know that I’m taking 370 for a reason, but its so tedious that it discourages me to get real in depth with my major. Much like my communication class. The only class in which I felt like I really gained a perspective on DAI is my history class. Though I might not remember all of what I learned, I know for a fact that I learned something! 

I’m learning everyday to really appreciate where I am. I really take this environment and experience for granted A LOT! I don’t mean to, but the fact that I am in the motions of growing up and learning from my mistakes, I just forget a lot of times that I am privileged to have this education, environment…feel me?

I just had a hugeeeeee HUGEEE upset in my life not to long ago and it just fucked up my whole mode of doing things. I know I should have known better to let things like THAT get in the way, but risks is another factor in making this experience worth while. However, its gotten the best of me. I turned in the worst paper of my life, I have obligations to settle, a slideshow for a debutant, work, and midterms to really hash out. Did I forget to mention I need to fit in sleep in there some how? 

Life is only complicated when you don’t have control of it. I feel like I’m starting to regain it slowly. The choices I make impact my future. I NEED TO REMIND MYSELF THAT. I’m not here for guys, I’m not here for friendship, I’m not here to fuck around anymore…I am here for my future. MY, NOT YOUR, FUTURE. 

I wish I was a little bit smarter. I wish I was a little bit more confident. I wish I had better social skills. I wish …

GO HARD OR GO HOME

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