Archive for October 13th, 2008

October 13, 2008

The what the fucks of fucks

 

What the fuck? 

I’ve been on this mood for quite a week now and it still hasn’t disappeared. I’ve continued to make myself feel more and more like an idiot and day by day feel like a dumbass since I feel the way I do.

What the fuck? How do I feel? I feel like theres something inside of me that is itching to just get out. Something inside of me that needs to burst out and just yell out in the top of my lungs. However, something is shutting me up. For the past week or so, I’ve just been keeping it all in, or at least trying to. I’ve been just suffering from what I call, “POST DEPRESSION”, where I think of the worst and the worst gets the best of me.

WHAT THE FUCK? 

Now I know what I need to do, don’t need to tell me twice. I think I know myself better than anyone and advice I probably already know, but it still gets to me because this feeling of whatever the fuck it is, is important for me to experience. But again, I don’t think its working out in my best interest since this week is a bummer and pain and I have many deadlines to meet…that being at this state right now is probably not the favorable week to be in this state. 

What the fuck? I feel like I can move on. Scratch that…I know I will move on. BUT WHEN? WHEN can I move on when I feel like I’ve been at this stage and point for a week now…and going…seriously? I haven’t felt like this in a REAL long time. To the point where everything around me reminds me of the situation I’m in. Little things from peoples cars, purple, lighters, EVERYTHING. And its disheartening because I hate feeling this. Feeling like I can’t reason or compromise the situation. I hate this…I hate this part right here as Pussycat Dolls would say. 

WHAT THE FUCK! I feel like a suicidal wreck in that I am just not gonna make it through this week without killing myself (not literally gezz). I just don’t like this schedule…Starting off Monday by opening at Jamba was not what I call…a great start to the week. Especially since I feel so crappy. In addition, I just kept on falling asleep in my classes. REALLY though…I’ve never slept this bad in any of my classes. I could at least control it, but its just been SOOOO BAD that this thing…whatever the fuck this thing is thats messing me up…has just fucked up my whole routine. 

Its not so much about a person whos making me feel this way, but rather the situation. The factors that play in this is just totally fucked up. And though I might tell myself…I wouldn’t change anything if I could…I probably would take a rain check on this for another time. This is bullshit and thats all I can say. 

I can’t believe its gotten to me this bad. This feeling of feeling like a dumb ass. Feeling so uncontrollably emotionally wrecked, feel me? Like I don’t know what to do with my life. When I wake up every morning…I feel like I’m wasting it…I feel like I don’t have my priorities in check…I feel like I messed up a month worth…where I could have done something more productive. 

WHAT…the fuck…

Its gotten to the point where I do want to cry. Maybe even break down…but I’m too tired to shed any tears. Too tired to even speak about how I feel, instead just write them out. It takes too much effort feel me? Especially with judgmental friends that I have (its not a bad thing by the way). I just feel like …I lost a lot of me in this process. I LOST a HUGE PART of my individuality…like who the fuck is Joaquin? CUASE I SURE DONTLIKEJOAQUIN! Feel me…

I fucking screwed myself over with this whole business. I screwed myself over and I feel like shit. I feel like this because I put myself in this position where I am complaining and ranting on and on about the same fucking situation/emotion that I have been for the past week. I feel like I’m not even myself…I feel like in a way…a small way…I’m being fake with the folks around me. TRYING TO SMILE…when I know everything is fucked up inside. I try to avoid it…but moments when I am left alone with my own thoughts…get the best of me.

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!?

I need to check my life…start folding my laundry…clean my act…start moving to a better place…because the place I’m at is dark and lonely…and you know what happens when we’re in that situation…

ITS TAKES A LONG FUCKING TIME TO GET OUTTA IT…

I got a ticket out…I’m taking the next train and getting the fuck outta this bullshit.

October 13, 2008

Democrats vs Republicans part II

This is what I call, “people need to stop looking at the past, but rather look how the present will affect the future.” Put aside politics for a moment and take a look at what you see and hear. You see two candidates who really want this presidency and for one, its a closer reality than his opponent. I read how McCain doesn’t even look at Obama during debates, a sign that he’s arrogant and he has no respect whats so ever for his opponent. Also, he’s already lied to this country when he was asked to pay a visit to the Letterman show…he said he had to do some campaign shit…So why the hell was he next door getting “a better interview” from a “better reporter” or whatever the hell it was. Goes to show that McCain ain’t for the people…hes not one of us…hes too good to be one of us. What kind of candidate does that? Also, his VP doesn’t seem to be doing so hot. Yeah shes a hot mama, but a misguided candidate whos in this election for all the wrong reasons. Change? I don’t think so.

She doesn’t even believe in abortion if and when a woman gets raped. Now to me, thats just some bullshit. Why you gonna carry your rapists baby? Absurd…some republicans are absurd. Recently, I just watched a video on some of the McCain/Palin supporters on youtube…Yeah its propaganda and one sided, but really though…people can be MAJOR idiots when they have no idea what the hell they’re supporting. Its like agreeing to something someone said without knowing the consequences of your agreement. Much like this race for the white house. Folks don’t want to do their research, they just listen or watch what they see in the media.

Take for example, my mom. Shes only voting for McCain because theres a woman running beside him. I told her that if she votes for him, my education will be in more danger for the future. She didn’t care…”der is a woman. Bahala ka jan!” As much as I wanted to tell her that her choice for this years election to vote for McCain is going to be the biggest mistake she’ll ever make…she wont listen. Shes stubborn. She also doesn’t like African Americans -_-. 

Fact of the matter is, Democrats for this election have been nothing but classy and have been inviting folks to really look into their campaign, rather than propagate why people should vote democrat this time around…I think its an obvious choice regardless. Republicans are getting worried that they wont have power in the senate, house, and yes…the country – leaving them with only one choice – to make Obama look like an idiot and spend countless of money on advertisement against Obama. To be honest, some Republicans think like the Old Red Necks you hear and watch in movies and TV shows…-_- 

Their policies, there stance on certain topics, whatever it may be…I think we can see the favorable victor in this years election. I pray…this time America wont be stupid enough to pick a candidate who will most definitely set back America even more. 

Vote for your future. Vote for the next generation. Vote for your family. Vote for change. Vote for something real.

VOTE OBAMA 2008

Plain and simple.

October 13, 2008

Disappointment comes easy

I don’t understand what has gotten to me. Honestly, this is the worse I’ve ever been as far as my studies go. I don’t get why I am procrastinating the way that I am. I usually am on top of things, even my friends know that. I’m usually ahead of the game or at least close to it. SO…I am still on this paper…what the fuck am I doing? JOAQUIN? WHAT THE FUCK? In addition, I’ve missed four masses already…I think it has a lot to do with religion and me not asking God to help me in this difficult situation that I’m in. 

I hate giving up, but I am giving up quickly. I don’t know what to do anymore…but try and just sleep. I’m lacking that…sleep is something that I really crave…more than ever. Unfortunately, these past days, I haven’t been able to get any rest. Naps here and there, but for the most part I’m still tired…I mean, take for instance my laundry…sitting in front of me…not folded yet…real talk…it would have been folded already…I don’t wait this long to not fold my laundry…now I just don’t have any motivation to fold cause I’m extremely tired.

I have to study real hard this week. I have a midterm this Thursday and I have yet to catch up on any readings in any of my classes. I still am dreading this paper which I have yet done…I’m close to it, but my brain and motivation to do this paper isn’t there. I swear its seasonal depression…this is real bad cause its come to the point where I only eat one meal a day, mope around and procrastinate on things I shouldn’t be. It sucks because as much as I care about my education…my health is more of a priority…however…I’m not really addressing it the right way other than therapeutically blogging how I feel. 

I can write and write about endless nonsense on this blog, yet I can’t find the words to write my 10 page paper…

I’m sooo fucking depressed…as much I don’t want to admit it to myself…I REALLY AM DEPRESSED….I need medication…I need help…I feel so off…something isn’t right with me anymore…I’m completely missing a huge half of me…where did it go???

FUCK…I don’t know…I’m going to fail this semester…