Archive for September, 2008

September 14, 2008


I feel so disappointed with myself right now. I totally did not do any homework this weekend, leaving me with a day and a half to finish all that I need to before Monday. UGH I hate the fact that I fucking have to do a million things in a short amount of time. I know its my fault, but fuckkkkk. I shouldn’t have taken responsibility of something I wish I didn’t take. UGH…someone please save me. I spent the day working and doing a vlog HAHAH ughhhh my fault I know, but I have no motivation to touch my hw since its all my major shit that I’m like dreading UGHHH I’m not ready nor prepared. FUCKKK =( school anxiety is what I have =/ the fear of doing hw. lol hahah =/ Anyway…Friendship Games Oct 25…Looking good, looking good. oOo man…responsibility..

So I ran today and I was running right and I had a major loogie, so I spit while I was running…the loogie landed on my fucking hand. UGHHHH gross…I was shocked, but didn’t stop since I was almost done! So I wiped that shit on my shirt…made it worse! ugh…sooo fucking gross 😛 haha I hope no one saw 😀 hahah

UGHHH I MET MITCH…but he was like ughh to me that night as he shook my hand…like a disgusted look…I’m like WHATEVER bitch haha…you’re an ass! hahah…

sigh…I’m going to try to do hw 😛 TRY!

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September 13, 2008

It hurts knowing…

That you weren’t the person that they wanted. You weren’t the one that fit the picture. You weren’t the one that caught their attention. I guess for me, I just sunk into a minor depression state. Its 3am and I was surfing through dl…the worst thing I could be doing right now. I then decided to search for “him”…the worst feeling came back when I found him. The pictures say it all…hes happy. He’s happy that he’s with him instead of with you. He’s happy because hes got a solider next to him. I knew it wouldn’t work out, but I guess the thought that it could…and the fact that I was led to think that…just aches. Man…it would’ve been nice…=/ real talk.

relationships aren’t coming anytime soon…

the day that I say, “hes perfect” is the day that I’ll find peace with myself…sigh….

September 13, 2008


Whack…I had such a good vlog that I wanted to post up but then the quality towards the middle started to get whack so I’m like ughhh with it now =/. MANN! I was looking forward to putting one up tonight 😛 oh well…ugh…Tomorrow for sure 😀 Anyway, I feel tired…=P

September 10, 2008

The fucking budget

I know many students out there are still waiting on their Cal B grant, but are not able to get it because of California’s unpassed budget. This is SERIOUSLY, unacceptable. I don’t care to look into what the Democrats or Republicans are not meeting eye level upon, nor do I care to put my two cents on whatever bullshit they’re arguing about. What I do care is, my education, my money! Its hard enough that college is expensive, but whats worse is not being able to survive or support yourself without the aid of money you’re granted a few months prior to the academic school year. It frustrates me because day after day I check my bank account in hopes for the check to be deposited, but every day I’ve been disappointed to find nothing.

The fact of the matter is, I need that money for rent, expenses, for my survival. When it comes down to it, what do the Democrats and Republicans stance on Californias education? Talks about, students first and we believe the youth is the future bullshit aint cutting it when you got this budget crisis affect those youths future! BULLSHIT, BULLSHIT! I heard that it might even come down to the last weeks of September for this budget bullshit to get passed.


September 9, 2008

SF State of Mind

I’m sooo getting this shirt from ADAPT on Karmaloop! TIGHT!

September 8, 2008


I’ve been so MIA on youtube its ridiculous! Luckily for me, I’m okay with it. I’ve been having urges to just do a vlog or a video, but I’m like…nah I’m coo off of that right now. I guess I wasn’t lying in saying that I’d be busy once school begins. Its crazy because I’m have a slow start right now, but my weeks ahead will be jam packed full of reading and projects. Speaking of which, I am very much behind on doing my DAI project due on Tuesday -_- UGHHH. I am overwhelmed…being that its almost 4am on Monday…you can say that I am even more overwhelmed. Dammmmmm-it! haha.

Its been an eventful few weeks here in the city, most recently in fact. Partying like theres no tomorrow has been a recent habit of mine and my friends. But its well deserved right? (Yes Joaquin! haha)

Anyway, what really impelled me to write a blog is the fact that I’m stuck with not knowing what to say for tomorrows pace open house. Honestly, thats shocking. I guessed I procrastinated in doing this because I felt I could just conjure up something like *snap* that, unfortunately its 4am like I said, with nothing but blank pages. SIGH. Additionally, a shocking turn of events while staying on aim tonight…

Josh mother fucking Perion IMs me. Who the hell is that? He is the guy I had the fattest crush on during my Sophomore-Junior year in HS – oh did I mention hes straight? MAN…oh man. So it made me smile and made me turn my head because it was like …WTF? Unexpected. Flashes of Josh and I came back and I’m like WOW…just taken a back. Josh Perion! WTF? So I tell him my updated life and how I’m up trying to figure out what to say in tomorrows open house. Tell me why he’s like giving me advice on what to do and like complimenting me on how he remembers how well I did speeches and shit. I’m like – REAL fucking talk? He was being real fresh with me that I remembered how much I fell for his personality and how I eventually had the biggest infatuation with him in hs because of it. UGH…straight people…I hate yal mother fuckers. haha. I swear, like I say, everyone is gay until proven otherwise. Josh mother fucking Perion…ughh how much did you fuck up my emotions. It all started with him – the first straight guy who gave me those “feelings”. The first straight guy who made me question sexuality. UGH…and his friend Miguel…o m g! ahhhhhhhh haha…I dunno how he looks like anymore, but I hear he looks fuggly. People would say he looked gross or he’d have a bad rep from other folks…but I’d always give him the benefit of the doubt…I dunno why…

I sat in church today and prayed to God once again asking him to help me through the week. Sigh…I cried Saturday night to my friends…I was a very emo drunk…everything and anything sparked emotion and tears…its weird because I had a very fun night…but just things just sparked my emotions that I ended up crying to sleep =/. Emotionally fucked and damaged, I feel like how I interact with others comes off wrong or too forward, considering how fucked and damaged my past has been. I feel I don’t know how to “talk” to a person or “get to know” a person anymore. I feel like…everything is whatever…and the thought of wanting a REAL man to satisfy my needs is nothing more but a fantasy. 

However, I must say, I am happy for my roommate, whos found unexpected romance this past weekend. Since he doesn’t often talk, do, or experience the things I often take for granted, it was cute hearing how he felt and his reactions to the whole thing. Reminiscing back on innocence back in the day sadden me. Oh how I wished I could do things differently. 

On another note, I’ve seriously been getting folks who still say I look like Mitch from Supreme Soul. At the party, some girl was like you look like Mitch…REAL talk…REAL talk stop it! Oh and one of my coworkers found my youtube…she said, “All I got is love for you.” What is that supposed to mean? haha Oh I had a wonderful photoshoot with my roommates and friends recently. I’ll post em soon =P …blah back to the grind…wish me luck. 

PS. Thanks for those who view this page and comment. I really do appreciate the feedback and love =]. Especially if its one of my subscribers from youtube. hehe.

September 4, 2008

cute guys

I’m a sucker for cute guys. TOTAL sucker. But I will be reminded by what Jay told me yesterday, “Maybe you should focus on school first”. Thought I’d just brush what he said off, but honestly it has been on my mind lately. UGH, but thats another story. What this entry is about is what gets me all crazy about cute guys. 

Where to start? MMMM

The face. I’m a sucker for clear, cute, faced guys. If they have a line up of some sort, I go crazy. If they have chinky eyes even better! Crispy brown complexion =] yum. Physically, I like them medium built. Not too skinny and not to frumpy haha. I like guys who wear fitted hats. Gets me all the time. I like a guy who smiles a lot. SOOO much that is hurts me to see their face. I like a guy who takes care of their nails. Hate long nails. I’m a sucker for guys who have nice calves and arms. LINE UPSSS. I’m not so much an ab guy…but its cool haha. FACE value is what really gets me. Guys who have deep voices or a really soothing voice is always a plus. LOVE IT! Makes me go crazy. A guy who is the SWEETEST most darnest thing you ever met. Polite and courteous gets me.  I LOVE PILIPINO GAY BOYS WITH CUTE SMILES AND CUTE FUCKINGGGGGGG PERSONALITY!

haha oh man…number one though…SCENT! You can be butt ugly and have the bombest scent that I’d still go crazy HAAHA. 

sigh…I think the point of this entry is to show how crazy I can get…I hate going to malls esp at serremonte cause I see the guys I want! hahaha…UGH EVERY GUY NEEDS TO BE GAY ALREADY! hahahahahahahah fucking shit…blah =( 

I’m sad because I really do need to focus on school and get my mind out of the day dream I live in daily. hahaha 

I told Jeremy and JP, “You know you’re cute and made it if a guy guy thinks you are!” 

PS. My guilty pleasures are black guys LOL hahahahahahahaahha

September 2, 2008

My Worst Enemy

I have been left with one thought in my head…”wtf”. WTF is wrong with me? WTF am I doing? WTF!? With school and attempts at a relationship…I’m left with the feeling of discontent and confusion. WTF? What is it that I want? Do I want to focus on school only? Do I want to just fuck school and get into a relationship? WAIT…WTF? When I look at this past summer, I can conclude that it just hasn’t been a crackin summer as far as attempts at relationships go. Unfortunately, to put it in terms that folks will understand, I’m that treasured apple that God told Adam and Eve not to eat, because in the end…I’ll leave you tainted and troubled. 

I can’t seem to just be content with the guys I talk to. I have MAJOR commitment issues and I really feel like its been such a handicap on my part. I haven’t been in a REAL relationship in awhile because I can’t find myself in committing in one. I feel like I’m scared of opening up too much to a person and end up feeling in the end that it was a waste of time. Or investing in so much time, that school and the relationship in hand is compromised. I don’t blame guys who look at me and know that I’m a “tainted apple” as far as I’m concerned, I could care less because I got some shit to fix. I think I want a guy to be able to stay around to be able to help and fix my problems with me. Like I was told before, I am hard to get, but I think the end result is worth sticking around for. 

Right now I just feel like I don’t know what I want and I need to tell myself this. I want someone, but at the same time I can’t handle someone. SIGH I’m definitely disgruntled and confused. Everything in my life is going well but this aspect. I’m tired of messing around, I’m tired of just doing it, I just want to have a best friend whose willing to invest time in me. 

Sigh…=/ I got issues…like I said…I don’t blame folks for avoiding any relationship with me…I think I would too =/