My Worst Enemy

I have been left with one thought in my head…”wtf”. WTF is wrong with me? WTF am I doing? WTF!? With school and attempts at a relationship…I’m left with the feeling of discontent and confusion. WTF? What is it that I want? Do I want to focus on school only? Do I want to just fuck school and get into a relationship? WAIT…WTF? When I look at this past summer, I can conclude that it just hasn’t been a crackin summer as far as attempts at relationships go. Unfortunately, to put it in terms that folks will understand, I’m that treasured apple that God told Adam and Eve not to eat, because in the end…I’ll leave you tainted and troubled. 

I can’t seem to just be content with the guys I talk to. I have MAJOR commitment issues and I really feel like its been such a handicap on my part. I haven’t been in a REAL relationship in awhile because I can’t find myself in committing in one. I feel like I’m scared of opening up too much to a person and end up feeling in the end that it was a waste of time. Or investing in so much time, that school and the relationship in hand is compromised. I don’t blame guys who look at me and know that I’m a “tainted apple” as far as I’m concerned, I could care less because I got some shit to fix. I think I want a guy to be able to stay around to be able to help and fix my problems with me. Like I was told before, I am hard to get, but I think the end result is worth sticking around for. 

Right now I just feel like I don’t know what I want and I need to tell myself this. I want someone, but at the same time I can’t handle someone. SIGH I’m definitely disgruntled and confused. Everything in my life is going well but this aspect. I’m tired of messing around, I’m tired of just doing it, I just want to have a best friend whose willing to invest time in me. 

Sigh…=/ I got issues…like I said…I don’t blame folks for avoiding any relationship with me…I think I would too =/

2 Comments to “My Worst Enemy”

  1. Don’t EVER think of yourself as a “tainted apple”.
    You just want to be sure about a relationship and there is nothing wrong with that. You are putting yourself down for no reason. You should be proud of the person you are.

    Hugs, John

  2. Everyone has issues, dear. Dont think its all because of your commitment issues. Maybe the other party has issues of their own (You’re way too hot for them or something!)Maybe this is to prepare you for something major! All fun and games until the time comes when God goes;’Ok. Its time!’

    Plus! You are a catch and you said it yourself that the end result is worth all the trouble. So dont stress too much and just let things happen. Finding (or waiting for) someone who is willing to stay and fix probs with you will be worth all the trouble you went thru, dont you think so?

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