Falling in love…or something like that

I haven’t been there in a long long time. I remember when falling in love for me was so easy because I felt like love was seemingly around me. Maybe its just I was too quick to be infatuated with the guys I liked…Oh infatuation…how much trouble have you gotten me into. I honestly haven’t felt in love in quite some time and I feel like I’ve lost that spark to knowing or clearly seeing love before my eyes. Am I blind? Am I not looking in the right places? Clearly…love has been in absence. 

Its easy for me to get into things such as “talking” to people I would hopefully want to “fall in love with”. It’s so easy in the beginning, but as time goes on it just gets more tough and more complicated. I’ve never been in a long relationship. The longest I’ve been in would probably be three months or so…the longest I’ve talked to a person would probably be six months or so. So I’ve had experience, but haven’t just had that “relationship status” that I hear so often. 

I vlogged about it before, but I said I think every guy is gay. haha. Which I stand firm by. I know I’m good looking, so I know even straight guys would turn gay for me =] haha. BUT WHY DON’T YAL SAY SOMETHING TO ME THEN!?!? haha I like that undercover factor in a guy. The “you would never guessed I was gay” factor. It gets me all the time, but I have never met a guy whos like that and is open about it. Shrugs. Its like that song “When will it be me?” When will I find that guy who will sweep me off my feet or vice versa – speaking of which, I think I’ve forgotten how to be genuinely sweet. I guess because I’ve been there and done that I expect bad shit to happen that being sweet is the last thing on my mind…

Does that explain me being so closed and reserved at times. Hard to get to know? I’ve been called that. Hard to get. And I really don’t care cause if a nigga wants to get to know me real bad, he’ll stick around to find that I’m not that hard to get to know. But usually I brush those niggas off and don’t realize that sometimes those folks have been around so long that I completely forget that they want to get at me. haha. 

Two nights ago, I was drunk and I was not a happy drunk. For the first time in almost a year, I cried while I was drunk…and this wasn’t just tears, this was like snot and everything. It was real bad, but I remember crying for a guy. A guy who is completely stupid for not know what he wants, not wanting me, and not even meeting me half way. It sucks because when a person is on someones jock, they could care less of other niggas trying to get at them. Mary said it best when she said, “Who wouldn’t want us.” Really though, my group of friends are in college doing big things and have skills unlike any other “normal” average person…yet a good amount of us are single…WHAT IS WRONG WITH US??? Are we not good enough? Do we not fit the standards? What? Tell me! TELL ME, so I can breathe a lil better each day. 

I fantasize having a guy similar to Gabe Bondoc. A very cute, sweet, kind, and funny guy. A package deal..if he sings…that even adds more to the appeal. 

haha I was thinking to myself, you know there are guys where you can picture them naked and stuff and there are those guys where you can’t even imagine. Well I said to myself, Gabe is one of those who I can’t imagine. hahaha. I dunno. What gay guy wouldn’t want a Gabe? Shit…any gay guy would die for one. 

But, for the most part…a good number of us just fall for the wrong person, meet mr right at the wrong time, etc. Factors play into making our lives miserably single. But for me…my last REAL relationship I still would say was 2005. =P shrugs…falling in love seems too much of an effort to invest my time in.

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