Archive for August 14th, 2008

August 14, 2008

Falling in love…or something like that

I haven’t been there in a long long time. I remember when falling in love for me was so easy because I felt like love was seemingly around me. Maybe its just I was too quick to be infatuated with the guys I liked…Oh infatuation…how much trouble have you gotten me into. I honestly haven’t felt in love in quite some time and I feel like I’ve lost that spark to knowing or clearly seeing love before my eyes. Am I blind? Am I not looking in the right places? Clearly…love has been in absence. 

Its easy for me to get into things such as “talking” to people I would hopefully want to “fall in love with”. It’s so easy in the beginning, but as time goes on it just gets more tough and more complicated. I’ve never been in a long relationship. The longest I’ve been in would probably be three months or so…the longest I’ve talked to a person would probably be six months or so. So I’ve had experience, but haven’t just had that “relationship status” that I hear so often. 

I vlogged about it before, but I said I think every guy is gay. haha. Which I stand firm by. I know I’m good looking, so I know even straight guys would turn gay for me =] haha. BUT WHY DON’T YAL SAY SOMETHING TO ME THEN!?!? haha I like that undercover factor in a guy. The “you would never guessed I was gay” factor. It gets me all the time, but I have never met a guy whos like that and is open about it. Shrugs. Its like that song “When will it be me?” When will I find that guy who will sweep me off my feet or vice versa – speaking of which, I think I’ve forgotten how to be genuinely sweet. I guess because I’ve been there and done that I expect bad shit to happen that being sweet is the last thing on my mind…

Does that explain me being so closed and reserved at times. Hard to get to know? I’ve been called that. Hard to get. And I really don’t care cause if a nigga wants to get to know me real bad, he’ll stick around to find that I’m not that hard to get to know. But usually I brush those niggas off and don’t realize that sometimes those folks have been around so long that I completely forget that they want to get at me. haha. 

Two nights ago, I was drunk and I was not a happy drunk. For the first time in almost a year, I cried while I was drunk…and this wasn’t just tears, this was like snot and everything. It was real bad, but I remember crying for a guy. A guy who is completely stupid for not know what he wants, not wanting me, and not even meeting me half way. It sucks because when a person is on someones jock, they could care less of other niggas trying to get at them. Mary said it best when she said, “Who wouldn’t want us.” Really though, my group of friends are in college doing big things and have skills unlike any other “normal” average person…yet a good amount of us are single…WHAT IS WRONG WITH US??? Are we not good enough? Do we not fit the standards? What? Tell me! TELL ME, so I can breathe a lil better each day. 

I fantasize having a guy similar to Gabe Bondoc. A very cute, sweet, kind, and funny guy. A package deal..if he sings…that even adds more to the appeal. 

haha I was thinking to myself, you know there are guys where you can picture them naked and stuff and there are those guys where you can’t even imagine. Well I said to myself, Gabe is one of those who I can’t imagine. hahaha. I dunno. What gay guy wouldn’t want a Gabe? Shit…any gay guy would die for one. 

But, for the most part…a good number of us just fall for the wrong person, meet mr right at the wrong time, etc. Factors play into making our lives miserably single. But for me…my last REAL relationship I still would say was 2005. =P shrugs…falling in love seems too much of an effort to invest my time in.

August 14, 2008

Financial Bullshit Along With Other Shit…

So along with many financial aid participants, we’re awaiting disbursement of our money. Unfortunately, this shit comes up when I checked my financial statement online:


Delay State Aid Disbursement For Fall 2008

We are unable to disburse the following funds until the California State budget is passed:

  • State University grant, EOP grant and CAL grants.
  • These funds will be disbursed to eligible students at a later date. Registration fees will continue to be deferred and your enrollment will not be affected.


    Okay what the bullshit? This happened last year too, I don’t understand why its so hard to figure out the budget or if it is, why it should even affect assisting students in their education. I know I’m sounding naive and there are probably good reasons to what’s going on, but really though. Its been how long since they had their last session and honestly they couldn’t think of one before August rolled through? REALLY THOUGH

    It just frustrates me how sometimes I feel that education in California is the last thing on the Governors and his staffs mind. California boats in having the best and biggest public institution in the world, yet we can’t adequately meet deadlines so that folks who are waiting on their money get what they need before school. Furthermore, I think its bullshit how financial aid comes 10 days before school starts, I would think it should be a little more than that just cause if you’re a 4th year like me paying hella bills like rent, you need that money asap. I just think this system sucks and it ain’t going to change. UGH…I need that paper. 

    On another note, I just read about an angry Swede who didn’t capture gold and disrespectfully threw his bronze medal down. OKAY, first off, how many folks get to go to the olympics? Second, how many even get to the top 3? Man, talk about team player? I mean shit you’re a roll model for young athletes and doing that just sends a message, “HEY if you don’t win gold, quit whatever profession you’re in cause its not worth it.” YEAH, that fool says hes quitting. THE FUCK is that?

    I hate the message he put out. Also, the stupid basketball team from Spain with their mock picture of the Chinese. HONESTLY, you didn’t think for one minute that it would come off offensive? I don’t believe that excuse…HELLO thats racist! ugh…Anyway, the olympics are crazy especially Mr. Phelps…but ew the way he talks :X hahah I can’t stand it HAHA.

    August 14, 2008

    For public viewing

    ive had this wordpress for quite some time now and ive been keeping it on the dl. but most recently, i decided to add different pages to my wordpress, but i figure it made no sense if i was the only one that was able to see it. so i guess this is the big unveil of my life, thoughts, and rants. 

    i used to have xanga (who didn’t) and i used to write a lot about how i felt and go in depth in my life by self analyzing myself. id get a few comments here and there, but as i grew up i moved to other things…like myspace and now youtube. i have a great fan base on youtube, which is pretty amazing considering that a few months ago i was …nobody, but at least now theres a good chunk of folks watching me…

    now, possibly reading. i guess i wanted to give a personal insight to my viewers and friends on how i think and most definitely how i feel about life in general. i believe that how i am on video, in person, is so different from how i write. even i surprise myself after reading the stuff i write. believe it or not, i love writing more than i love making videos. writing has always been a passion of mine ever since high school. i used to write poetry constantly and i used to write mini stories. i guess as you grow up, i realized that you don’t have that luxury to spend just doing leisurely things like write. but, i feel that i must bring that aspect back in my life. i find it therapeutic and gives some order in my life. like i always tell folks, writing helps organize your emotions, so do it because it will help! 

    i think writing says a lot about me. especially how and what i write. the complexity that comes in what i choose to write describes a lot about who joaquin is…im not an easy person to know. trust. these are raw thoughts…for public viewing.