bittersweetsummerconcluded

this summer has been such a blessing. i am thankful for what the lord has been able to give me. my friends, my family, my job, and everything else. im so very thankful. its simple things like that which remind me that im gonna be ok and that ill be able to move forward not back.

i have the best friends i could ever count on. regardless if i stay in my room most of the time, i can count on these folks to liven up my day and make it worthwhile. every moment spent makes me smile. and every moment spent is treasured because i know this space we have isnt forever. =/. i want to make a montage about us soon soo look out for that. but yeah…i cant believe i did without these folks prior to college…WTF? haha.

im thankful for my family being strong at this difficult time. shit, only the men of the house are working, while my mom and sister just wait and try to keep their sanity. i dont know how they do it but the main income comes from two folks who really hold it down…trying to make ends meet…when you want to talk about hustle and struggle, i think my family is a perfect example especially these past two years…it hasnt been easy, but by the grace of god we’re able to make it through and im thankful for that.

as far as my job, i cant really complain that much because ive been given a job that really fits me and well makes my day. who doesnt want free jamba everyday? haha. but besides that, ive been promoted and am currently the oldest jamba team member there! EK. howd that happen? in any case, im thankful that i have a wonderful boss who is understanding and has fiber like no other. team members who are cool. and well a job that i know i can handle. its hard, but its decent at the same time.

but its been bitter at times…and without a doubt the hardest summer i have encountered. heartbreak, financial assistance, and work to name the top three on my list.

heartbreak…i think its safe to say that i didnt put my heart on the line this past summer as i did before, but i put it out there and unfortunately heartbreak. im left thinking what did i do wrong, did i mess up, why doesnt he talk to me, why why why? and i was trying soooo hard not to fuck up to. not to fuck up with what i said or the things i did…but either way…after my phone was disconnected…so was my relationship. im the type that never lets people get in easily. its real hard, even for my friends…some dont really understand what goes in this head of mine…and it goes to show…im not that type to open up quickly…but unfortunately, with this guy…i decided to slowly open myself up and took the chance…and i dont regret it, but i just wished i went about it another way. you know when you really like a person…and they crush you badly…youre whole state of mind changes…i mean thats what happened to me. i kept seeing the persons name at work, movies, tv shows, …things like that…it was making me go insane…ughhhhhhh. but im ok now…i do a good job in self help…and im a better person going through it…it just sucked…because i really liked him =P sucks. i blame it on karma…but it was well deserved.

financially, when you want to talk about someone who is supporting themselves independently, i think im a perfect example of that. i mean, this summer has been soo hardddd and i think its my fault because i wasnt wise to begin with in spending my money, but still…i work my butt off to pay the bills i have…it sucks cause this is the first time in my life where i saw i had 94 cents, 10 dollars, 21 dollars… left in my bank account….and thats supposed to last me until i get my next pay check which doesnt even go back to me…it goes back to rent…this is also the first time where i havent been able to pay rent on time. before i used to be the first to turn in rent, now im the very very last. shit im still trying to pay off this months rent…and what…its almost aug…so i gotta pay for augs rents soon. its like a fucking cycle that never fucking ends…im worreid that my phone is gonna get disconnected again…cause i wont be able to pay for it cause i have to pay for rent. i have to pay for an oil change and im scared my car will break down. i have to pay for my credit bill cause im over…which i know i wont be able to pay for. i need to pay for my parking tickets because i still havent paid it since april…its like 100 + now…so im in fear that my car will get towed…i have to pay for 2 retreat, utilities, and paying back shit to my friends….LIKE WTF!!!!!!!!! and you might ask…why dont you ask your parents, like no…thats not an option, they got they own shit to deal with…me asking for 40 already was too muchhhhh…sigh…it just bothers me that some folks in the world live life spending their money on shit that luxurious like nothing while i pay for shit and try to hustle so i can survive the next week. ugh…i dunno…its been real hard…and it worries me…luckly its just for another couple more weeks until the end of aug. then ill be good…but until now…sigh…its even gotten to the point where i had to ask friends for money to help me pay for shit. I DONT DO THAT! i dont fucking ask for help…ugh…embarrassing. i truly believe that when you cant ask your family for help and you turn to your friends for help, work everyday to try and make ends meet, have 94 cents in your bank account at the end of the day…that you are a independent struggling individual who trys to hustle their way through the week…dont talk about life being hard when you know you aint even livin the struggle.

lastely, my job…it goes hand in hand with my financial needs. but its like dude…what i do for jamba should be worth more. its bullshit at times. they got me on my hands and knees scrubbin the floor…its like really though??? and then expect me to make smoothies right afterwards. like really? thats not crackin. and my friends wonder why i come home sometimes cranky after work or why i dont wanna talk or hang out…yeahh thats the reason cause since i work everyday and do bullshit work like that…it gets to me and my body…the worst are when its real busy and you got the bitchiest customers ever…that shits not crackin…i dunno…for the work i do…i dont think its worth it…thats why im sitll on the fence in getting two jobs…but its like fuck can i handle it…you know your independent when you fucking have to look for a second job and really consider it…sigh…you gotta do what you gotta do right…shit…jambas bullshit at times…and im pretty sure a lot of people who work there would agree…actually…the whole team quit and im the only one left from the old jamba…i mean seriously doesnt that say something. ugh…

—–

BITTER SWEET…i just wanted to vent and express how i feel about this summer…i mean its not done, but im just counting the days that it is so i can get outta this bullshit…this is how i feel…this is the reason why i currently am the way that i am…this is my summer concluded.

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