iljb#164: SB48 – California Gay History Bill Headed To Governor

So what is this bill?

The Fair, Accurate, Inclusive and Respectful (FAIR), SB 48 Education Act would amend the Education Code to include social sciences instruction on the contributions of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) people.

This is such a HUGE landmark if passed. Definitely something that has been long overdue.

The Bill has been passed through many Committees, most importantly the full assembly on July 6th, 2011 with a 49-25 vote.

Goes to show that the elected representatives in Sacramento HEAR US and see the need for this amendment to be passed in California.

Now its up to the Governor to sign into law

WHY is this so important to adopt?

Well take a look at what happens in schools today. Bullying, harassment, and discrimination (just to name a few) against LGBT students and non. This bill enables us to learn about the LGBT history which is rich, full of stories and experiences that we have yet heard or learned about. I find it narrow minded that some people believe gay history is just about gay sex.

This bill, SB 48, includes and ensure students get a fair and accurate picture of the people and events that have shaped our society, and that fair and accurate portrayals of LGBT people are no longer excluded from classroom discussions. Because if you appose this bill, you’re basically saying that the only RIGHT way, is a heterosexual way.

Ultimately, I hope in the long run, this helps prevent the perpetuating stereotypes about gay people. Do we want to venture and talk about what straight people do? Nah, we already see that in the media and in magazines. LGBT people are just like everyone else, were not different.

The more societies learns about the contributions of the LGBT community, the better the dialog and understanding about what it means to be a part of the LGBT community…however a dialog is rarely even started

To stress about the contributions and history of the LGBT community in California and in the world, well its just not saying enough.

THIS part of our history, culture, lifestyle, but is virtually non-existent. Its as if GAY PEOPLE don’t exist in the world…well at least not in textbooks.

Some Facts

Schools that have included LGBT discussions have been positive, statistics show that only 11% of students reported bullying, but the number doubles to 24% if students say they haven’t learned about LGBT people.

Statistics also show that in 2003, students who have learned about LGBT people at school were more likely to feel they have a voice.

In 2004, 359 CA shcool districts already have LGBT inclusive curriculums, more than 83% report including LGBT issues in their lessons for some or all hs students, 64% do so in middle school, and 54% do so for elementary. This has probably increased as the years have passed. From personal experience, I know that these facts are legit, I’ve experienced this myself. But who cares right?

I was reading the article about SB48 and was disturbed by two representatives, who happen to be republicans. The first, Assemblyman Tim Donnelly.

Just take a long at his website – I find it hard to like the guy if all he talks about is money and not enough about education. He has strong feelings about the “homosexuality agenda” stating “I think it’s one thing to say that we should be tolerant,” Donnelly said. “It is something else altogether to say that my children are going to be taught that this lifestyle is good.”

So you’re telling me, you’re kids don’t have a brain to decide what lifestyle they choose? Shame on you Mr. Donnelly for being so closed minded. How did this guy get into office?

Second, theres Assemblyman Chris Norby, who like some opposed to the bill, agree that such instruction would further burden an already crowded curriculum and expose students to a subject that some parents find objectionable.
Again, you act like your children don’t have a voice themselves, or brain for that matter to decide how they want to live and what to think. You have already done it for them. Take a look at this guys website all he cares about is getting Ca. its money and not enough about education. I think I know what this guys agenda is.

The bill’s author, Sen. Mark Leno, a Democrat, states “Bottom line, it’s only beneficial to share with students the broad diversity of the human experience and that our democracy protects everyone,”

At least we know there are, not just some, but a lot of people in Sac that have a brain and common sense. Again, the Assembly passed this bill 49-25…Now who are those 25?

Now theres also the side that does oppose this bill, so I invite you to read what they have to say. Personally, I think its bullshit and I can’t believe we have people in high office dictating the future of our kids…SHAME. How are these people in office?

Nevertheless the Links will be down below.

Some churches and conservative family groups warned the bill will drive more parents to take their children out of public schools.

I’m sorry, but I went to a catholic school and honestly I felt like it sheltered me from the real world. Parents who would take their children out of public schools if this bill passed are basically lying to their kids saying that LGBT people don’t exist. Secondly, CHRIST LIKE? Really now? To pass judgment on a particular group and condemn them is definitely not CHRIST LIKE. End of discussion.

Take a look a the links below, its very helpful to get a better idea of this bill and again why its important. We need to be educated with such topics and know whats out there. Really, decide for yourself, don’t take my word for it.

On a side note, personally, being an Asian American – the history of Asians in this country in textbooks are rarely talked about or its barely written. More so, Pilipino History is barely talk about or discussed. And trust yal would be like WTF you guys did that, if yal knew.

It wasn’t until college that I learned about my roots and gained a better understanding of who I was as a Pilipino American. What a shame that I had to wait until college to learn about who I was.

I wish this kind of HISTORY would have been taught when I went to elementary school…I probably would have been more proud than ashamed.

Likewise, growing up not knowing about the LGBT community, what certain terms were, me thinking of suicide in hs, bullying, harassment, again just to name a few…if I had a resource in school, a dialogue about what it meant to be gay, a part of a beautiful community. I def. feel that I would have been more proud to be who I was instead of hiding who I am.

This bill, I believe would ultimately help those who are questioning themselves or who know nothing about the LGBT experience. Its about time.

Because

No History
No Self

Know History
Know Self

Lastly, on a different issue, but closely related. if you are a representative, or in government, or in any high place and you’ve done a video that contributes to the IT GETS BETTER PROJECT, and you are still on the fence about gay marriage, I feel like its either you support us or you don’t. Stop letting your party dictate what you know is right. I rather have a representative be firm with their stance on the issue, rather than have someone be 50/50 about it. The only person that loses is your self and your dignity.

 

California Gay History Bill Headed To Governor

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YES, this video is PRO SB48 (with good reason).
YES, this is important in schools
YES, this matters
YES, people have really become more close minded than I thought

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Our world needs to REEDUCATE ourselves about what it means to be a part of the LGBT community. Instead of spending HOURS commenting negativity, sit down with someone whose a part of that community and LEARN something. Religion aside, LGBT history has made what you know today YOUR AMERICA. People who pass judgement on the LGBT community has learned nothing from histories past and continue perpetuating what our FORE FATHERS fought for – EQUALITY.

By learning about this history, does not MAKE YOU GAY, YOU CAN’T MAKE anyone GAY, but knowing the PEOPLE in this world that exist is a right that should not be taken away from ANYONE

IF YOUR AMERICA continues to breed HATE against the LGBT, your AMERICA will soon become an AMERICA you no longer will truly be proud of.
THE CHANGE is IN YOU! MAKE a EDUCATED decision and CRITICALLY think about the WORLD you live/want to live in for you and for YOUR KIDS.

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SAMPLE LETTER IN SUPPORT OF SB48

http://www.eqca.org/atf/cf/%7B34f258b3-8482-4943-91cb-08c4b0246a88%7D/FAIREDUCATIONACTSAMPLESUPPORTLETTERFINAL.DOC

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CONTACT THE GOV.
You may contact Governor Jerry Brown by mail at:
Mailing address:
Governor Jerry Brown
c/o State Capitol, Suite 1173
Sacramento, CA 95814
Phone: (916) 445-2841 
Fax: (916) 558-3160

http://govnews.ca.gov/gov39mail/mail.php

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The Articles about SB48

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/07/05/california-gay-history-bill_n_890846.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000003

http://news.yahoo.com/california-lawmakers-pass-bill-teach-gay-history-012938470.html

First off I’d like to say the comments on yahoo are very disturbing, this is our America? It makes me ashamed to call this a part of me being AMERICAN.

SOME COMMENTS FROM YAHOO…

“Andre about an hour ago Gay History? What the heck is that?”
“Corey 2 hours ago I am gay. And this is silly. I don’t need “gay history” or “gay pride month” or any other PC, liberal nonsense. Just let me have my rights, and I’m happy. If you want to throw in “By the way class, one little known fact about X is that he may have been gay,” that’s fine. But all this does is waste time and money, and it divides us further. Seriously, give me a break…”

“Me 51 minutes ago Time to put your kids in private school”
“K C about an hour ago This could well be the most absurd, insane, ridiculous and IDIOTIC thing I’ve EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE!!!!”

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The Representatives
Tim Donnelly

http://www.donnellyforassembly.com/principles/

Chris Norby

http://arc.asm.ca.gov/member/72/?p=bio

Tom Amianno

http://asmdc.org/members/a13/biography?layout=item

Mark Leno (One of my sources)

http://dist03.casen.govoffice.com/index.asp?Type=B_BASIC&SEC={A5A9B2D9-63C6-4859-96A2-0E62A794E30D}

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The Bill Introduced (One of my sources)

http://info.sen.ca.gov/cgi-bin/postquery?bill_number=sb_48&sess=CUR&house=B&site=sen

FAIR Education Act: SB48 Information

http://www.eqca.org/site/pp.asp?c=kuLRJ9MRKrH&b=6451639

Protect Our Kids Foundation Information: Opposed

http://www.protectkidsfoundation.org/?page_id=1356

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iljb#79: A unso-Merry Christmas

I came home yesterday with the anticipation of being home, trying to not let all the family troubles get to me, but as soon as I got to the living room and I looked at our tree, my mom sadly commented in tagalog, “Aw look at our tree, no gifts this year.” I know its been a rough year, especially these couple of months, but I was looking at the tree and didn’t care what was or what wasn’t underneath. Lets just say it was a lot different from last year and the many years before that. I reflected on my Christmases before and how long it took for our family to unwrap all the gifts, as the years got harder, the gifts under the tree got less and less, and the unwrapping of gifts were prolonged to make up for the lack of gifts. I can’t say that my family was materialistic, we just loved buying stuff and getting stuff for each other…this Christmas truly reveals that family and good food is more important that anything I will ever get wrapped underneath a tree.

I woke up this morning to the conversation of my mom and sister talking about how my brother didn’t get the google job. My mom then went on worrying if it was going to be the same thing when my brother takes his promotion. I didn’t want to wake up to family troubles…I really just wanted to just have peace at home and just pretend everything is ok. Last night my brother was talking to my mom and sister about his promotion, I was barely listening, but my brother commented on his condition expressing to us how he looks like a freak and he feels uncomfortable. He even said that his friend didn’t even recognize him. My sister comforted him saying that he looks fine whereas my mom was saying that she noticed hair growing. To lighten up the mood my brother commented on me saying I don’t even recognize him and that I should give him some of my hair. The truth was…yeah I don’t recognize him…I just don’t know how to act…I can’t even look at him cause I don’t want him to feel uncomfortable with me being uncomfortable. Before we went to bed, my mom repeatedly said to pray for my brother…

My mom has been working her ass off to keep this family alive. With her little motivation and optimism that “everything will be okay, just pray” kinda attitude – she worries a lot. She worries how she’s going to help my brother with finances and his health. How shes going to be able to put food on the table with her social security check plus try to pay for the other bills on top of that. My family is running on two incomes my brother and my mom…thats it. My mom shouldn’t have to worry, but she does…this Christmas she has a lot to worry about…I still can’t get her voice out of my head when she broke down crying, wondering what shes going to do…

My eldest brother like I said is the second one who pays for rent and everything else. He works 5 days a week and then some as a Supervisor of sorts for Frys. He’s been working there for almost 15 years and has yet got his million that Fry’s promises each employee who stays that long. Last month was rough for my brother and my family because he suddenly lost all his hair. His medicines are costly and he still doesn’t know whats wrong with him. We don’t have enough money to find out whats wrong. Hes sick, but hes still pushing through as though he was 100% healthy. I realized that he has a lot on his plate and I don’t blame him for being pissed and unhappy at times – especially now. I’m not sure whats going to happen – but I’m waiting until next month to once again help out the family. I pray he gets better – I know he will. This Christmas – I’m not sure what my brother is thinking, but he is the only person whos gotten the family at least one gift…he really doesn’t have to. =/

My sister, she has been out of a job for almost 2-3 years now. Its been rough because she was the main financial bearer for the family. When my sister had a job, our family had everything. I took advantage of that a lot…I took it all for granted. My sister is super smart and can do anything – she just can’t work. So now shes left being my mothers companion every day – helping around the house, going out for some fresh air, and doing house work. Before, she never did any of that because she was busy working. My sister is religious and well she knows she has to trust God in all this – which she does. I’m waiting for next month to help her get back to the process of everything. Hopefully she’ll have a better 2010. I’ll help her…I need to. She cooks for me and makes sure I have food…this Christmas she has a lot to worry about, but a lot to look forward to.

My second brother is the one who didn’t get the job from google. Hes well qualified and he passed the test, he just can’t work. I overheard my mom saying he was crying when he found out this morning. He had a job a year ago and that Christmas was a little better because of it, but he was laid of months later. He hasn’t found a job since. All he does really is stay in his room…I don’t know what else…he downloads movies and plays video games…but he stays in his room. I feel bad because he really needs a job cause he deserves so much more. I remember he bought the coolest Christmas presents for everyone…he was thoughtful…now – he puts what he can on the table and prepares the food. This Christmas isn’t really starting off great for him after the sad news this morning, but I know he’ll make it out soon…actually…I really don’t know. He’s going to mass with us tonight, like he always does once a year, maybe he’ll pray for something good to come his way.

Now…where do I fit in? I feel like such a stranger here…especially since I don’t live here anymore. I do my thing in SF then come here and its like I’m burden even more. I want to help them, which I’m in the process of doing by taking two jobs next semester, but even that – I don’t know how much more I can stretch myself. I mean shit, I’m graduating next year…its going to be busy. I’m applying for the masters program, I’m going to try to do well in that one class I have next semester, and do all the other extra shit that I always do. PCN is definitely not in my eye sight. I guess…my horoscope was right today, I’m best doing everything solo for now. Out of all my friends, I have it hard, for all my friends they can rely on their family for support or at least something to look forward to. If anything, its the opposite in my family, they look to me for support and hope – which I’m trying my best to do. Thats why I’m picking up work hours – 8 hrs shifts a day – mornings and closing. Even though I don’t want to work – I have to. I wish I could buy my family presents, but from all the money I made – I’m trying to pay off $200 worth of parking tickets (my stupid fault), bills, phone bills, rent, and food! I just have to wait a few more weeks until financial aid…and then it’ll be okay again…but fuck…I’ve had such a hard semester, on top of losing my job, on top of friendships be complicated, on top of my family troubles, on top of loosing my guy interest…

I’m sorry that I felt like I had an UNSO Christmas feeling this whole time…I gotta make my life worth it, I gotta make LIFE happen, I gotta do this even if it hurts me…I leave Dec. 26th – early in the morning for work. At least I get to spend time with my family for two days…at least I have a family.

Its been a hard hard year…I’m been trying my best to look at the bright side of things…but family is first, then me, then the rest of the world – and if my family ain’t doing good – why should I? I don’t think its right…I rather suffer with my family than be happy without them.

Like I said, this Christmas isn’t about the gifts that are or not under the tree – but rather the family and good food that I do have that counts…

2010 will be a lot better.

iljb#76: Its harder than it looks.

I guess the day after hurts more than the actual moment. Today was a bit rough – slow start – but nevertheless rough. I couldn’t help but think that I was told, “…for right now, its better that we’re just friends.” I guess…I’m still confused about what that means because the past few months that we did talk…we were friends first – the attraction and affection came second…so I’m not sure what to feel or how to act right now…These confessions of mine are often buried and are often unknown to many, but I’m letting it out right now…because it hurts to much to be kept inside. Its harder than it looks…but I’ll manage…I always do.

It started off with me driving to Emeryville to meet him. I was so excited cause I haven’t seen him for over a month. It was so exciting because I finally was going to see him (I joked around about not being able to remember how he looked like). As I was driving I thought about the first thing that I would do. I would get out of my car, see him, hug and spin him as I say I missed you so much…When I parked…I saw him, I hugged him…but I guess I didn’t get the same in return when I come to think of it. His arms were to his side as I wrapped mine around them…I thought to myself…damn…this is what I get after not seeing you for over a month…I guess – and I figured…after knowing each other for a quite some time now, his PDA worries would have died…I mean…when I’m with him – the world suddenly stops and its just me and him…its been like that since I started to talk to him.

We walked like “friends” into the Public Market trying to find what to eat…I didn’t want to it, but I guess I gave in…we sat down…and I was so flustered for some reason…I didn’t know where my head was at…I guess I was just overwhelmed with him being in front of me…hes so beautiful…his smile…I guess he caught me spacing off and was like, “wtf?”, but I apologized and said I had so much to say that I forgot all of em…he nodded his head like usually.

Before we headed to the movies, we started to make out…It felt so good, but I felt like something was holding him back…I guess it felt like he didn’t want to do it, but I just figured that was just him being him…but we ended up just messing around and for that moment I felt so good that we were together…we were spending time with one another…I just missed his body next to mine. After…I was smiling as I said, “Damn that was hot.” I was so excited cause it was exciting. He on the other hand acted like he did something very bad and was ashamed about it…I asked him what was wrong, but he just replied that he was just tired…He said that the last time something like this happened because something was bothering him…I should have taken note of that…But I genuinely thought he was tired…so we just went on our way. I paid for his movie ticket…he didn’t seem to have any hesitation in letting me, I guess I wanted to buy it for him – even though I should have made him pay…I’m really broke…but I figured – I don’t put limits into the dude I’m talking to…if anything I’ll find ways to make it work no matter what. I’m just thankful he said thank you…last time I paid…he didn’t even say thank you.

We sat down and I started to hold his hand…but I felt like he was being distant…I dunno…I thought that was just him, but…I thought since we hadn’t seen each other he’d be more affectionate…more loving? But he was distant…leaning on the other side of the seat rather than closer to me…even holding his hand seemed like a task…but I guess I let it slide cause I didn’t want to push it…I guess thats just him I told myself…We watched Princess and the Frog and it was a really cute movie…I kept on thinking about him throughout the movie…telling myself…he’s my prince…and I’m so happy that I’m next to him…

The movie ended and we started to walk back to the car. We were conversing about how good the movie was and all that. I wanted to tell him that he was my Evangeline but something inside me told me not to say it…so I didn’t. He told me he needed coffee so we went and got coffee. We roamed around Boarders after awhile…he hit the kids section and he was telling me about how he wants to get a new book for his kids (he takes care of kids). I said why not make your own book and share with your kids what you made. He paused and smiled saying he’d like that. He was telling about this stuff animal that he found and it was a character from Dinsey – similar to Dora – and I was looking at the price thinking in my head that I’ll get it for him since he was so thrilled about it…but I kept that in the back of my head…Christmas is coming up soon right?

So we ended up in the car and he started off with a strange statement, “So how was your day?” and I was like…wtf? Then he followed it with, “So what are you doing.” and I knew then that something was up…I asked him if he had something on his mind…and he said he did. To be honest…my heart was racing because I was excited and scared…is he going to ask me out? He eased the conversation by saying, “So I’ve been thinking…like what are we doing…what are we…where are we going with this…?” My excitement soon turned into disbelief…is he breaking up with me? (too bad we were never together and we’ve only been talking for 3 months as “friends”) He then explained how he feels like since he broke up with his ex a few months back that he’s never felt single…or experienced being single. He was saying that he just hasn’t had that independence.

I couldn’t look at him while he talked to me because my body was shaking inside from the disbelief of hearing what was coming out of his mouth…He was telling me that he likes me a lot and he doesn’t wanna lose me, but at the same time he wants his independence and this chance to work on himself. WORK on himself? I just was in shock…I didn’t know how to react…I was quiet for the most part…He replied…”Please say something…” Well…what the hell do you say after 3+ months of talking and you spring this shit up…Me and him have never gotten into an argument and we’ve been a good couple – something I really cherished…so him saying this is like an unexpected earthquake…shocking…He got emotional telling me that I’m different…I listen to him and I make him feel like he has something to say…He was telling me his ex’s, family, and best friend don’t even do that…It was at this moment that I extended my hand to him…I was trying to not cry and get emotional…I guess be strong for the both of us…

I guess what got to me is the fact that…we mess around earlier…and he nodded saying yeah…he didn’t want to do that…but it just happened…he couldn’t help it…he missed me…He also explained that he wanted to just be distant, but it was hard…He also admitted that when we was rude or being mean to me throughout the time…it was because of his frustration of what he was feeling about our relationship. He didn’t want to drag it any longer…and said that he wanted to meet up tonight to tell me. He wanted to meet me at my apt and hang out instead of Emeryville…but he knew that was a bad idea. He continued saying that he knows he could do better…in treating me right, but its like he doesn’t have his shit together…I guess? I dunno I’m still confused about that…

He said that he just wants us to just be friends…but its like we were friends minus me saying I miss you…so thats what I wasn’t totally upset…he didn’t show affection that much in the relationship…but I thought of that as something we could work on together in the process…he said he knows guys want me and he feels like he shouldn’t be the reason that I shouldn’t pursue them…but its like…I don’t want them…I want you…I’ve wanted you ever since I met you…You’re more than I could ever ask for…it just doesn’t make sense…I don’t want to get to know folks…he was telling me that he doesn’t want me to wait…but its like shit I’ll wait to get your shit together because I know WE work well…He continued saying…I still want to spend new years with you and go to that basketball game with you if you’ll let me…but in my head I’m just like wtf…ugh…its not the same…But at the time I said of course I’d like that…

I reassured him that I’ll wait and agreed if something does happen in our lives…we’d let each other know (if someone else interest us)…but now when I think of it…this situation seems so cliche…its sad…it breaks my heart…couldn’t have have waited AFTER finals was over…Lena said, “guys like that don’t care about shit like that.” I agreed…cause I was like that guy too…this situation reminded me so much of how one year ago I ended it with this guy I was with…for 3 months…WOW…I’m just realizing it…sigh…this was the same place that I actually ended it with that dude one year ago…wow….

I’m slowly realizing this…ha…full circle…the irony…I dump one…and a year later I am the one that gets dumped…

He said to sum it up that we are going to be friends…but friends that like each other…

….

WTF….

I don’t get it because now its making me think that the reasons why…aren’t matching up…I did more that everything for him…been there for him…I did nothing wrong but show him what a true man is capable of being to him…I dunno now…I’m actually hurt…

Tonight he called and I ignored it…it was so hard…but I had to…if he wants to grow…he has to grow without me being there…it just makes sense right? Thats exactly what he wanted and stated…

I’m so lost…I’m feeling like shit…this sucks…but on the other hand I said to myself…things could be worse…

I give my all…genuinely give my all, but it never amounts to the fairy tale ending I want…

Its harder than it looks…

I need your advice on this situation…

How do I be a friend that he likes and give him the space and independence he needs? I like him a lot…I’ve put so much into this…Why did this happen? Is this my own karma? Like that Glee episode…You can’t always get what you want….

SIGH…maybe thats it…I can start my year off right…without someone by my side…cause I’ve made it through a tough year…and I can begin a new one alone….

THIS IS HARD….

ITS NOT SUPPOSED TO BE….

FUCK….

If I meant so much to him…why do I feel so unappreciated? =/ I guess I shouldn’t wait like I said I would…you let me go…and I guess thats a choice you’ll have to work out…

iljb#48: …and its a good one.

I begin to relax and I let my mind settle for a min and let myself breathe. I breathe because I am alive, I breathe because I can, I breathe because it is just exactly what I need to do right now. And no, its not that kind of “I’m stressed out” kind of breathing exercise, but rather that breath that we all take for granted…and yes its a good one.

I completely have been overloaded with responsibilities, school work, work, and the ever changing lifestyle I commit to. Its exciting, yet so tiring at the same time. I remind myself that I can handle it because I know I can. I just got to make sure everything is on point and that I ain’t slacking. This Monday, I am making sure I am taking care of business, so that tomorrow I can just recover and tie up any loose ends…ya feel me?

I feel good about life right now. I know that even though recently this past week, I’ve had major bumps in the road, that the over all picture is still in tact and I ain’t trippin. I live life the way I want it to be, not the way I fear it to be. So before I get on with life today, I thought it would be nice to reflect on the wonderful day I had yesterday.

I had a wonderful time with a guy that I had never met before until yesterday. I was excited, scared, but over all over joyed that yesterday happened. How did all this begin? Well…with a simple text from me saying, “Oh I forgot you were on my phone list…hello”. He replied, “Oh so what are you doing tonight?” and I continued on texting, “Hanging out with you remember!” haha. I tried to be cute…and well it worked, he then went on saying, “How about Sunday?” A play date as he put it. Ever since that day, which was about a week ago, we’ve been texting each other every day just about our day and what not.

Now I went into this with no intention of getting with him or messing around. It was an honest “play date” and I really wanted to meet him. Since the bridge was in construction, he still took bart to see me. I find that really sweet =]. So before I picked him up, I light weight got nervous…I couldn’t believe I was meeting HIM. haha I mean he seems pretty popular on DL or whatever, but shrugs, thats my bad for even going there. I pulled up…and there he was. The first thing I catch is his beautiful smile and a wave saying hi. I tried to act cool, but inside I knew I was dying because he was definitely cute like his picture.

We drove down 19th and we were caught in traffic. I was irritate with the fact that there was traffic on a Sunday, but it gave room to get to know HIM. He told me later on that he was nervous and shaking, but I couldn’t tell really because I too was nervous and avoiding eye contact. However, when I did catch a glimpse of him, I couldn’t help but melt a little. haha. Again, no intention of doing stuff with him…just a simple hang out that I had in store.

We finally got to Kitaro sushi and luckily he’s never been there. He actually hasn’t been around SF he explained, which got me excited because I knew the spots I was taking him would be appreciated. I learned a lot about him and how hes not out yet…well to his family. I found it so interesting how 2-3 years ago he was straight…then became gay. haha he is that type of person that can be both and you wouldn’t expect it. He ate pretty fast while I just ate my udon, which by the way was bleh. I had to pee and while I was in the bathroom Celine Dion was working a song. I stayed in the bathroom for a little longer because I was getting it! haha.

We then went to our next destination. I jokingly asked him where we should go next and he replied with a shrug and said it was my job to plan it. I then said, “Where is the folder you said you’d bring.” haha. It was cute. I finally reviled to him that we were headed to Japantown. He exclaimed a big YAY afterwards. haha. Luckily he had been to Japantown before, he ended up giving me a guide of Japantown like I’ve never had before. I was then the giddy one. We walked into a lot of cute shops, I was stoked because I love Japanese novelty and what not. So cute! We then stopped at this car/automatic store where I decided to buy a car freshener (which by the way smells so good right now in my car lol). I was pleased with the buy. We then headed up to go get a crepe at Sophie’s Crepe. I had never ever had a crepe until yesterday…and inside I was giddy because I was able to enjoy the experience with him. I got a crepe chocolate with banana and some ice creme. YUM. I wish I had taken a picture of it =p boo. Like he did at Kitaro, he gulped the crepe right down, while I was still trying to figure out how to maneuver around it.

After we got done, we decided to drink sake. haha it wouldn’t have been a complete Japantown trip now would it? So we sat down at this quaint lil restaurant and drank. I got to learn more about him as the sake moment progressed. 21 questions and then some was the game. I found it cute that we both ended up being buzzed. haha. We walked out kind of dizzy…at least I was…and I couldn’t help but smile and think…damn he’s so cute! HAHA luckily I wasn’t an ass and blurted out, “HEY YOU’RE SO FRIGGIN HOT!” hahahahahha. That would have killed our kick it. haha. We headed down to a bookstore to just check out what they had, then found ourselves in the anime section. I separated from him and found myself looking at the Magna Carta book…I was so amazed because I love Magna Carta! Ahh the women in there are so hot. I want to draw like that one day. Soon after, he joined me for a lil bit and we exited to head to PikaPika.

By this time, I wasn’t too buzzed anymore, just excited about PikaPika. Its so crazy what Japanese people think of when it comes to photobooths haha. I loved it. My first time PikaPika’in. At first, it was a lil awkward cause I felt like it was a “couple thing” to do, but I got over it and went with it. I’m looking at the pictures right now and it is definitely ADORABLE. =] He has the best face LOL AHHHHH =].

After getting that over and done with, we got into the car and headed to our last destination. I couldn’t help but smile at him a lot cause he was definitely making it a great kick it. So we got there and the sun was setting. It was cute. We walked down this area near the Cliff House. When we got there it was breath taking the ocean, the view, everything was perfect. I told him that once we stopped he needed to ask me questions. haha

We ended up at this rock/muscle rock area thing. And stood as the waves crashed on the rocks and foamed the sand. Thats when I reminded him to ask questions. It started off with silly questions, then got to, “What’s your favorite part of the day.” and I replied…right now…he then nodded and agreed. Then…we’d catch each other smiling at each other and what not…continuing to ask questions. I then had the nerve to finally ask, “Can I get a hug.” cause I really wanted one. He then said yea. It was so romantic…the beach, the view, the gust of wind lol. He then surprised me with, “Can I get a kiss.” AHHHHHHH LMAO o – m – g. I didn’t even expect it to go there. FUCKKKK LMAO haha I then kissed him and I completely melted like a glacier! LMAO HAHAHAHAHAHAHAH he has the softest LIPS in the WORLD! I was like that is not a lip…that is like a babies butt LMAO it was sooo ahhh yum. I then asked, “Can I get another.” AHHHHHH it was so cute! I had never felt so good about a ending kick it turned date in my whole entire life. It was totally movie status. AHHHHH. He then asked, “What are you doing next weekend…can I see you again?” AHHHHHHHHHHHH that just did it for me. FUCK! haha. I felt like I had won a million bucks…I couldn’t help but smile.

The then “Kick it” had now turned into a date unexpectedly. It slowly dawned on us that it was getting colder and darker…so we headed back. Along the way, we’d stop and continue kissing each other. =] IT WAS CUTE! The hike however back was not crackin! OH hell to the mother fucking no. lol. I felt like an old man…literally…and it didn’t help I was walking next to Mr. FIT haha.

When we got to the car…I confessed to him that the reason why I texted him that one time is because I wanted to get to know him more…he replied with, “I’m glad you did.” It just felt good. It felt nice. And for a day…I felt like nothing else existed. He also mentioned he’s never had someone kiss his hand before like I did. I found that elementary to do…but I guess it made me feel good that I was the first to do it to him =]

The night ended with a lot of kissing and just the feel good memories we shared that day. I dropped him off and drove away hella cheesing. I slept real easy last night…aside from being tired lol.

It was sweet and amazing. =] For what it was…and whatever it might be…I’m grateful for the experience.

I did mention in earlier blogs that its good to be single…however, when you least expect it…moments like these occur. =] …and its a good one! =]

Reminder

iljb#47: Rushing…

I feel like today was rushed to get to where I am today. I had work, did laundry, organized my life in between, and now awaiting my family to come and swoop me for dinner. I didn’t even eat all day because I’m waiting for dinner. (So bad). In any case, this rush is good. I feel this urge to make my first weeks the jump off of my whole year. It has just begun and I am already busy! I can’t hardly breathe haha. I’ve also been excited to do my hw – which is a first because I never ever feel excited to do hw. I just haven’t gotten a chance to peep at it because I have been lagging 2-4 hrs behind on schedule. But I’ll get there folks…it just takes time HA how ironic right?

I feel good today because I was able to pay off my best buy debt. Something I’ve been meaning to do for the last 2 years. I can’t believe it. I am stoked. I paid for it. Now I just hope my credit will be fine so I can actually get a REAL credit card. shoot. haha in addition, I was able to go to the dentist. =] Now all I need to do is get contacts and sign up for GRE. I am way more than enough money to handle myself this semester. I feel good because for the first time in awhile, I feel stable. I think its in part to the secret. DAMN secret really does work. =] I am grateful every day I wake up.

First thing I do when I wake up is acknowledge what I am grateful for and just thank everything for happening. I really do think this is why I have been so lucky these past weeks. I am so grateful for everything. Life, school, friends, family, my future ahead! I have been given this chance to make it big and I know I will be able to achieve anything if I just put my mind to it. IT is going to be a busy semester, but I know I am able to handle my own.

I work so damn hard to get where I am right now. It feels good to be where I am right now because with all the bad experiences I’ve had in the past year, all seem to be nothing but dust off my shoulder. I can lift my head up high and know that taking a risk, doing my best, and giving it my all is all that matters. Even when I’m down, I know theres a reason to be grateful. I do have those times, like recently, where I wish I had this and that, but I know that I am way blessed to have the things I have right now.

Because of faith, because of me, because of God – He is able to work his wonders through me. Could I have asked for a better birthday present? ha no.

On a side note.

Today at work I saw Jeff and his bf Anthony. It made me reminisce how I had a chance with Jeff, but couldn’t hang cause he obviously was not doing well in school. I tried no doubt, but it was just too complicated (haha a few months later he got with his current bf). Anthony, I’ve never really seen or met until recently. Never talked to him or whatever. But today just seeing Jeff and him – ugh made me jealous – like the fuck? YOU GUYS ARE HOT together haha. However, I reminded myself I hold my own pretty well and they aren’t at my level and I ain’t on theirs. Its all those could have, would have, man I wish I had…moments. He looked me straight in the eye to ask for water and I said to myself – damn you are grown – I remember you being so…lol I dunno even Ricardo and Ezra. The hell!?!?! haha I never really talked to Ricardo…and well Ezra haha. Its crazy how I will never understand their lifestyle, friendships, drama, or whatever because for me I know when I need to get the fuck out cause I ain’t having any of that. It made me say to myself, my man is coming. After all these great things happening to me, I know that he is coming too.

I don’t need to hope…cause I know. What a rush right?

I am in a point in my life where if you ain’t on point I will leave. I am in a point in my life where school is definitely a priority as well as my career. I am in a point in my life where I feel great about everything =] Things are doing great for me. I am doing fine.

mmmm I think I’m just overwhelmed haha

I am so sure!

HAHAHA mmmm I want some BK now =] HAHAHa

iljb#46: The Semester Begins…

I think this is an appropriate picture to describe this past week. I can’t believe it my senior year. I can’t believe all these great things have been happening to me. I can’t believe I am so blessed!

After taking the test for the job interview I had for SpaXpress I was worried if I was going to get the job. The lady said I’d get a call. Well I guess today was that call. At first I didn’t get a voicemail message just a missed call from someone. I texted the person back and I got a call back. I was at work, so I checked the message when I went on my break. There it was – the call. When I got interviewed the lady said I’d have to take a test, after that I’d get a call to move forward with the application, then I could start working. That is exactly what Anka, my new manager told me, she told me that I needed to come in on Monday and we’ll start the process.

You should have seen me in the back room, I was jumping and ecstatic. I wanted this job so bad because it was me – I know that this job was made for me. I mean fuck…it says JOAQUIN all over it! Anyway, thats that. I still can’t believe I got the job…I’m still in shock. This is definitely a big accomplishment for me. I feel so good. It feels so right.=]

Addition to the good news, school has begun and each of my classes have interested me to the point where I WANT to do hw. Its crazy. I know this wont be temporary because I really do enjoy the major and the topics presented. I honestly can’t wait to see what the future holds for me. Grad school is just a few months away! After that…its all history! =] I am so blessed. I am definitely blessed.

I was walking to class yesterday and I was stopped by a woman who had a clip board about prop 8. I decided to listen and in the end I ended up donating 58 dollars to the cause. That felt good to me.

On top of that, I’ve opened a couple of new banks so I can allocate my money. So far so good. My bills are paid on time + rent. Things are just wonderful.

The greatest story of this week, aside from my wonderful SoCalebration, is the fact that I was able to help my family financially. Its been long awaited, but the wait is finally over. In a few months …things will look once again bright for my family. Knowing that I was able to help push to that direction makes me complete and whole. I can only see good things for my family.

My mom told me a beautiful story. She told me that last Sunday she prayed to God to help the family financially because they were out of food and necessities. After church she bought a scratcher…she won $500. She told me she was about to cry because God heard her prayers. I am a firm believer in all this. God is good. God is great. All good things happen because God makes it.

I am grateful for my family, friends, job, car, life, finances, school, EVERYTHING and anything that makes all this possible…its crazy…

If I could make a video of all the blessing JUST this past week, you’d be a believer too. I am blessed. I am loved. I am happy =]

iljb#45: The IDEAL Guy: “STORY TIME”

The guy on the left is my boyfriend…er what I want my boyfriend to look like. haha. So its crazy how I stumbled upon this video. I was listening to “Little Bit” by this guy and later on clicked on his other videos and saw his brother. I wanted to see what his brother looked like without glasses…and low and behold, I found my IDEAL guy.

I’m pretty sure this guy isn’t gay, but he does have features that remind me of every other typical gay Pilipino. haha which is good because he looks like the type of guy I’d get with =] RAWR. Anyway, I have been having this picture of this guy I want in my head now for the last couple of weeks and well I got his personality, background, and everything down, but his face…FINALLY today I stumbled on his face =] hehe.

So my ideal Guy? Well, I’m excited haha I’ve been meaning to blog about it for dayssss! Here we go! (BTW, I will be describing this guy as though I have already met the guy and know him =] thats what “THE SECRET” tells me to do haha)

So this guy and I met somewhere around SF … er around the bay area at a party/club/event something. I saw him and he saw me. I kind of just looked away but would catch a glimpse of him looking back at me. I thought it was fun because where ever I was, I was having a boring time, so he excited me. He didn’t look gay to me so I didn’t think much of it. But I did continue to glance at him whenever I could and I would see him do the same which made me giggle. The night is drawing to close and he actually comes closer to me and bumps me on accident – he or I drop something – and we both bend down to pick whatever we dropped up – it was definitely like the movies LOL – He then held whatever he dropped in his hand as he lightly wrapped his hand around mine. We both get a glimpse of each others eyes and for a moment it seemed like he and I were the only two people in the room.

He then apologizes and continues his way. I look back and smile. So my friends and I are about to leave and well I see him again taking another glance at me while he takes a sip of whatever he’s drinking as he casually continues to talk to his friends. He dresses nice thats for sure. That night I couldn’t help but think about him and how cute he was…didn’t even bother to ask his name…then again I thought he was straight haha.

So, the week goes on and I slowly forget that guy…I’m looking through facebook or something and there he is…just randomly THERE. haha I check his profile, but its private. So I say fuck it nm. haha but it does make my day. A few days later…I log on again and pop a message from that guy. He writes something cheesy along the lines of, “Hey you were at that lame party right?” haha he gets me to chuckle. however I message back saying, “yeah that was me”…I leave it pretty much short and sweet. He then replies with a smart ass remark like, “Deng like that?” I couldn’t help but laugh so I replied to him apologizing and asking him what was up. He replies saying, I caught his attention or whatnot. After reading that, I started to get red and giggle a lot. He continues asking if we could meet up for coffee or something. I then agree.

So the day that we meet up, he is looking FINE. I mean crisp and on point. This guy does dress to impress…When I see him I shake his hand, but the first thing that catches my attention is his scent – his cologne. I blank for a second and he gives me a weird look like “are you okay?” We then get coffee or whatever the hell we do decide to do. We sit down and he explains why he was at that party or event. I can’t help but attentively listen to what he has to say…he’s cute when he talks. His lips are to die for and his eyes are just A-MAZ-ZANGGGG hahahahahahahahahahahah. BTW, his name is so unique and very interesting. I like. I then share why I was there too…You can tell he’s a listener cause he is nodding and making eye contact…this makes me nervous cause I never had someone do that in awhile.

I look at the clock and time just has flown by…I ask if he wants to take it somewhere else and he then agrees. I’m not sure where we go, but it somewhere nice with people walking around. We continue talking and I then ask him THE question, “So…are you.” He then stops and looks at me. I then start to apologize, but he interrupts by saying something cute like, “Why do you think I asked you to go get something with me.” I mean this guy got swag and this guy got me going hard. We’re walking and its such a nice day, one of those rare warm days in the bay. He then asks me more questions that are somewhat deep. I answer and I ask him similar questions.

Time is definitely passing by and I start to look at my clock or whatever. He notices and ask if I need to be somewhere and I reply with no. He then makes some kind of joke. The thing about this guy is, he’s easy to talk to and I don’t have to ask much. He doesn’t talk about totally random stuff or FILLERS to just make the conversation flow, but he just talks as if we already have been friends for awhile. We then part ways and thank each other for a wonderful night/day. We told each other we’d call or text or something.

After that, I just couldn’t get over the fact that this guy…THIS guy was actually talking to me. lol I was definitely enamored. I didn’t want to look or act desperate so I waited for his text or call. Days went by and nothing. I kind of got sad. However, just at the right time, he calls me and asks if we could hang out again soon. I started to smile on the phone and well we set up another “date”.

What I realized about this guy, hes very charming and sweet. I mean really sweet. The type of guy you would bring home to mom. He’s Pilipino, but he doesn’t really know much about his heritage. This date, I decide to school him on some information about Pilipinos in the bay area. He is excited and really takes everything in. What I also like about him is he truly knows how to listen and pay attention. He asks a lot of questions and just assures me that he does like what I’m talking about. He is very family oriented from the conversation we have. He has siblings and hes the oldest. He’s about 23-26 btw. He works and he tells me how he got his job, which is pretty impressive. He has already graduated from some college, which makes me more motivated to continue to seek higher education. He’s out to his friends and his family, they actually support him a lot in whatever he does…just as long as he provides for the family.

He definitely enjoys basketball and singing. He explains a little basketball when we hang out. I look at him with a confused look. He then tells me that he and I will go shoot some hoops. He also light weight serenades me with his favorite song. Which surprises me cause its not your typical song. He is medium built. He explains that he loves to run and work out. I too chime in with liking to run too. We both laugh and say the cliche “We have a lot in common aye?” He explains his past very light weight – he has a lot of trust issues and thats because a lot of people have been shaddy to him including family. So when it comes to trust he says its a must and its important. We some how talk about relationships and he explains he’s not looking for one in particular right now and I nod my head, kind of sad, but he then comes back with, “But I don’t mind this right here!” HE IS A FUCKING TALKER! AWWWWWWWWWW lol.

But thats pretty much the end of date two. haha the rest is history right? hehe

Well…=] theres my guy and I’m lucky to call him mine =] hehe.

Spotlight Edition: Alister Alarva

This is a picture of a recent photoshoot Alister Alarva and friends did at Dolores Park. It was such a gloomy and windy day that we weren’t sure how things were going to pan out, but ZANG – I must say, this photoshoot is on point.

This marks my first “Spotlight Edition” on sfstateofmind and I think its fitting. This picture just made my day and it just captures a wonderful photoshoot concept. Alister Alarva has been capturing moments since freshman year (as far as I remember), but it wasn’t until a few years ago that Alister began doing legit photoshoots. Out of our group of friends he is the MAIN MAN behind the lens. He captures moments and creates masterpieces. His unique style in photography sets him apart from other photographers. He truly does have a gift and he is using it!

As summer is slowly ending, Alister Alarva is still continuing to book more clients/friends to add on to his portfolio. On a personal note, I only see big and greater things for this guy. He is truly an amazing artist in his craft and I want you (and you Alister) to know that I appreciate your craft.

Check out more of his photoshoots on his Zenfolio @ HERE. I am proud to call this guy my friend and even more proud to see his continued success in his art!

Stay tuned, Alister Alarva has only just begun!

iljb#40: Feeling happy? OKAY!

Its my day off and I feel so productive. I started off the day being groggy and lazy, but after an hour or 2 I started to get stuff done. However, the BIG task ahead are still left unfinished, but the small distractions have definitely helped my momentum in getting my list done. I’ve vlogged about creating a “list” everyday of what you want to get accomplished and truth be told, it has been a success. I feel so accomplished knowing that what I wanted to get done that day is being checked off slowly but surely.

Hooray for  lists! =]

I’m actually very proud of myself because organizing my side of the room has made me feel a lot better about where I sleep and how things are organized. MAN, can I just say Maxwell is such a good ear candy right now while I blog on this gloomy Monday. No really – AH! Anyway, I look at my room right now and I feel so good about it. I am such a neat freak LOL. Everything is so organized and so neat – it makes me want to take a picture of it. POSSIBLY, we’ll see lol, but I feel so refreshed. *BREATHE* ahhhhhh it feels good. =]

I’ve had my humps these past few days, but I think overall I’m going head strong in being positive. I feel the strength in me to be that change I want to see. I feel so good about the future and my dreams. Its scary to think in a few months I will be a FULL FLEDGE senior ready to graduate. You know what that means right? All these deadlines to keep with with, tests, midterms, and finals to ACE. But no doubt, I am ready for the challenge. The challenge is coming, but right now I’m just taking my time in relaxing. I have these couple of days off this week that I will take advantage of! SUPER excited =]. Side note – I don’t think I got that job for Patelco, but I think its okay…as long as I have a job I’m fine. Jamba is pretty chill with my schedule so I’m not trippin as much. I’m SO EXCITED. ugh I sound like a broken record lol.

I must admit, these past weeks have been really good for me in that I haven’t put guys as my main priority. Its not even on the list in fact – which is nice. I’m really focused and really motivated for this school year that I know having a relationship will fuck things up. I gotta be selfish now, this is the time, no time for mistakes, just improvements! I CAN, I will, I believe! But I have been thinking how great it would be if there was a guy on my level who would sweep me off with their charm…but thats just farfetched right now. I can’t let a guy hold me down – no matter how cute they might be! lol fucking shit. NOT NOW, not right now.

Did I mention I signed up for “saynow.com”. I’m feeling it! I like it. ITS COOL! =] All I’m going to say.

I’m surprised this is blog 40! WOW haha =] thats awesome.

NOW – its story time ladies and gents.

“Friendship is never a battle, but a constant win!” – Joaquin

I’m not saying friendships are easy and I’m not saying friendship never have their arguments, but what I am saying is – through all that mess its always a win because you are always by that persons side through thick and thin! Additionally, its just a reminder that friendships are a treasure and if done right, it will feel like you’ve won the greatest prize of all – each other (lol). But real talk, my story goes way back – back into time.

You see, I was never part of the “in group”. I was never the “cool kid”, never was a part of a clique. I was the kid who always wanted to “fit in”. I always wanted to see where I would fit in. I tried many groups – different friendships in elementary school through high school, but I would always find myself questioning my friendships. I recall in middle school writing to a girl, “a popular girl”, asking her if she was my friend. The need for approval and the need to be wanted was something I craved for even on to my freshman/sophomore year in college.

I did things to prove I was cool. I dressed a certain way, said certain things, tried to fit in. But I knew deep down it wasn’t me. Its taken me a long, long time to understand the true meaning of knowing your worth. I don’t need to prove to anyone that I’m good enough to be your friend, if anything it comes naturally. However, through my years in school, I always stayed neutral when it came to cliques. I didn’t want to be classified as nerdy nor did I wanna be classified as popular, cause I was neither, I was just me. I was never part of a group of big friends because I kept those who really knew me close. However, even those who were close to me burned me…

Fast forward to college, I feel – no I know that the group of friends I do call close, have my back. The group of friends that I have are “popular” in my eyes. The group of friends I party, cry with, gossip, laugh with, experience the good and bad times are my ride or die! I have their back like they have mine and I don’t even question it for a minute. I don’t second guess if they love me, are my friends, or whatever – there are no insecurities when I call, talk, message MY friends. I feel comfortable being myself. Being GAY. Being ME! Being JOAQUIN! I didn’t actually need to prove to them my worth because they already saw that from the get. I was just to scared to believe that THESE PEOPLE (freshman year) were inviting me to hang out! These “cool people” are asking me to be their friend and part of their group!

Well, I’m part of that “cool group” since 2006! Five years later…I’m still partying, cry with, gossiping, laugh with, experiencing the good and bad times with my ride or die. I don’t need to search for the “cool group” because I am in one! Like Mary said,

“How are you so damn COOL if you have no one left who cares.”

Exactly, these friends of mine already know I’m cool, supper sickkkk with it! I’m fly, I’m amazing, I’m wonderful in their eyes! So what more could I ask for? Why do I need to search for other friendships? Yeah, I’m exclusive with these folks for a reason, because for the longest time I never felt I belonged anywhere…I never felt I was wanted or needed. Now (actually for a while now), for the first time in my life – I’m going to claim this as my group, my clique, my ride or die! No matter what goes down from here on, I got their backs like they got mine.

And the beautiful part of it is – they’re my family!

So who are you trying to impress? Why are you trying to fit into another group if you already belong? Mmmm or maybe all this time – you never did.

iljb#39: Tea is for girls and for the gay

I am still feeling a little peeved with tonight’s comment from my friends younger brother at the dinner table. My friends and I were drinking tea and the lil brother comments, “Why you drinking tea? Tea is for girls!” I was astonished and replied, “Everyone drinks tea, the President drinks tea!” The lil brother continued with saying something along the lines of, “Tea is for gay people.” I then threw my hands in the air and started to get irritated. Some of my friends did say not to say things like that and defended me by correcting the lil brother. However, I still felt uneasy. My friends and I decided to go to our friends room and it was then when I told my friend, “Hey you better watch out in how your brother is growing up.” But the message seemed to just bounce off in the room not being heard. I continued to jokingly say he’s not even listening to me, but it was only because I wanted to really correct the issue. I continued to tell my friend(s) that its important that he talks to his brother cause its not right, but to me I felt like it wasn’t really taken seriously – or I felt like I wasn’t really being respected by my friends. I then made a comment, “This is why its hard being a gay person.” And here I am right now blogging in the room while my friends watch a movie. I don’t want to dampen the night, so thats why I’m just letting it slide, but it is bothering me. I held the tears from shedding…

This proves my point in my recent GAY videos. This is why I speak so passionately about the word gay or just the fact of how its used. This is what many gay folks have to deal with on a daily basis, sometimes we’re left not knowing what to say or do because it’s not our place – especially if its someone’s little brother. It concerns me you know? The fact that this kid thinks that tea is for girls ONLY and that tea is for gay folks, oh he goes to a Christian school. Where is this kid getting all this? My friend defended himself by saying he didn’t learn that from me. So where? Where does he get this type of a idea that he can say this?

If you ask me, there are so many factors in how kids formulate their view on the world and people. For one, I think the way a person molds themselves is by their family. Whatever your family values are, you end up following and believe. However, when we grow up we question them. Another is where we are educated. School really does teach us what we should know in the eyes of the teachers who we respect. Again, as we grow older, we question what we are taught. Lastly, I think we are also molded by our friends and people who we interact with. They are mer reflections of us.

I guess…sigh…I’m just hurt right now because it makes me realize the little struggles gay folks have to deal with. Straight people don’t need to always defend their orientation or feel attacked for loving who they love. Straight people don’t have to always feel inclined to speak on or correcting someone because they hear something ignorant said about their orientation. IT IS JUST FRUSTRATING.

I’ll continue my rant later. I’m just ughed right now. =P

iljb#35: ilike QUOTES by me! :D

My PASSION is my DRIVE that will get me to my DESTINATION to my FUTURE. Believe in yourself and the world will come to you!

I care about my happiness so thats what I’m going to do tomorrow, take care of my happiness.

My future is unstoppable only if I believe it to be! I am a force to be reckoned with!

I live for my future, I live for my family and friends, I live to make change, I live this struggle because I can handle it.

You can escape only for so long. But you’ll end up having to face your reality.

I continue to wonder what I’ve left behind. But I’m not holding on to baggage thats not mine. All I know is the broken can be fixed.

I live the exceptional lifestyle, feels good.

People with integrity do what they say they are going to do. Others have excuses.

Life is possible when your dreams are alive and real.

Nothing is impossible, unless you make it.

Knowing you worth is half the battle.

I’d give you my advice, but its better if you took your own.

We all live by the rules of love, but we forget that there weren’t any rules to begin with.

You’re the music that keeps me on my feet.

They can talk all they want, but thats all they do – talk.

I can’t own your actions.

The journey is priceless.

If you’ve experienced the worst, expect to come out of it better than you were in it.

You’ve made me cry because you meant that much to me.

If it doesn’t work a third time, it will never work.

Its easy to move on because the situation seems all to familiar.

I look back and wonder what I could have done differently.

Money does make me happy.

I get like this …

I get like this when I’m alone and sitting under the sun at state. Its crazy to just remind myself…you’re a friggin senior on this campus (not graduating though) and you pretty much know the ins and outs of this campus better than most. However, why do I feel at times like I am still lost and still trying to figure out what the hell I’m doing in my major. Sure I’m taking classes to enhance my understanding about the world. Sure I’m writing essays and responses to condition myself to write properly. BUT what the hell am I really doing? Where the hell am I going with my life. 

Some of my friends are graduating this year and yes some of them are still unsure what they’re going to be doing after graduation, but I know that they have a better handle on their career than I do. Its like a paper without a thesis, there’s no relevance or importance without a guide or direction. 

I’m good at graphic design, I have concepts, I can’t think of creative models, but …what the hell am I going to do with that if I don’t know what internships I’m going to take, how I’m going to get there, what aspect of design I want to focus. UGH, I know that I’m taking 370 for a reason, but its so tedious that it discourages me to get real in depth with my major. Much like my communication class. The only class in which I felt like I really gained a perspective on DAI is my history class. Though I might not remember all of what I learned, I know for a fact that I learned something! 

I’m learning everyday to really appreciate where I am. I really take this environment and experience for granted A LOT! I don’t mean to, but the fact that I am in the motions of growing up and learning from my mistakes, I just forget a lot of times that I am privileged to have this education, environment…feel me?

I just had a hugeeeeee HUGEEE upset in my life not to long ago and it just fucked up my whole mode of doing things. I know I should have known better to let things like THAT get in the way, but risks is another factor in making this experience worth while. However, its gotten the best of me. I turned in the worst paper of my life, I have obligations to settle, a slideshow for a debutant, work, and midterms to really hash out. Did I forget to mention I need to fit in sleep in there some how? 

Life is only complicated when you don’t have control of it. I feel like I’m starting to regain it slowly. The choices I make impact my future. I NEED TO REMIND MYSELF THAT. I’m not here for guys, I’m not here for friendship, I’m not here to fuck around anymore…I am here for my future. MY, NOT YOUR, FUTURE. 

I wish I was a little bit smarter. I wish I was a little bit more confident. I wish I had better social skills. I wish …

GO HARD OR GO HOME

And You Are?