iljb#163: GAY PRIDE 2011

With all the drunkeness, crowds, pushing, shoving, sexually active, unattractive, friends, haters, grinding, unwanted grinding, hotmess, texts, tweets, likes, and dislikes…I would conclude my first REAL pride experience to be

AWESOME

Despite the rude ass people that CLEARLY know who I am and MUG the FUCKKKKKK out of me (trust you will get a video about this), I still had fun (LOTS)!

Its crazy however, I wanna note, that I did see ALL my ex’s this pride and not intentionally…I happen to be around them.

Its been awhile since I seen Danny, but last night was def. the first time I’ve seen him since Nov. I caught a glimpse of him and for some reason I had this “omg why” feeling. I dunno…after what I found out this week…it kinda just was crazy to see him again (or a slight look). Then I see this dude, WHO told me he broke up with his dude and it was final, come out of LIME with his DUDE LMAO HAHAHAHA I was rolling inside because he saw me and bitch was such a pussy not to say hi…LOL all I could do was smile. Actually all I really did this whole PRIDE was smile! I was sad that I didn’t get to hang out with Mark, but I def. got those drunk texts which were sooo funny LOL. UH Mary too surprisingly LMAO. I was so fucking on one last night, but I wasn’t drunk. It made me realize I don’t need to be drunk to have fun. Its actually MORE fun that way .

I saw Pat on Fri (FUCK THAT BITCH) lol I def. know he saw me, I def saw casper LOL crazy bitch hasn’t changed, I SAW KIT omg…can I just say I haven’t seen him in HELLZA years…I’m sure he wasn’t fond in spotting me LOL, I saw Mitchell and that rude ass bitch just gave me the dirtiest LOOK I have ever experienced like BITCH you can’t even hug me to say hi you gotta point and look at me like that like bitch wtf? I saw Ian – and the first time that I see him hes like oh…hey…you good? LIKE BITCH wtf? You definitely seemed a lot friendly online. HAHA I saw Marvin for the first time last night *glanced*. CRAZYYY lol. I saw SAM LMAO omg…SAM hahahahahahahahahahaha tooo funny. And yeah those are the hoes I saw that I didn’t give a damn to say wassup too cause they some rude ass bitches/or it was like whatever UGH. A BIG UGH! TRIGGER HOWEVER, on Friday was one point with some of the people there cute ass folk. lol don’t worry I’ll be coming up soon…its in progress haha.

I did see great people yesterday. I met a new roomie, Darren (aww), saw Kris, saw tiggah and pooh from a cross the way soo cute, saw binky AWWWWWWW totally love her, totally saw my ading harts her, saw Phil from outta the blue awww, and def. met some new folks RJ, BJ, JP, and Jonathan. LOL the fuckkk I just realized they have hella short nick names LOL haha

LAST NIGHT WAS SOOO fun. Just being in a sea of GAY people was amazeballs. Def. enjoyed being out with people who actually were down to just have fun. I def. enjoyed my experience – so overjoyed. The best thing was it was unexpected. I learned so much too about the folks I hung out with. IT was just awesome. RJ def is a character I TOTALLY love how hes just down with his hair and really don’t give a fuck. I LIKE that. I know BJ was too fucking funny like a fucking REAL ASS NIGGA who was ghetto as fuck, but fucking gay LMAO HAHAHAHAHa tooo much. He hella made me laugh lol it was kinda hot, but more so too funny. AND seeing STRAIGHT ASS gay folks at club papi last night was tooo funny, like bitch why the fuck you gonna go to a club and not dance…you paid $25 dollars to get in, and you ain’t gonna dance? oOooo you trippin! lol

THANK YOU GOD! you really looking out for me =] I am blessed. haha

OUT OF POCKET ALERT!
OH and for the fucking misunderstanding that happened this past week, I’m so over it, but for the record.

Don’t fucking come up to my apartment, drop yo thangs anywhere, just start using my pull up without asking, have the nerve to ask me if I had food, HAVE the nerve to say “LETS DRINK and WATCH MOVIES” the night before and then all of a sudden when it comes down to it – pussy out, have the nerve to ask me if I got WEED, HAVE THE FUCKING BALLS to then LEAVE after I cook for him because APPARENTLY I was making it weird and I came off like I wanted to have sex.

FIRST OFF, you stupid bitch, I’ve NOT COME ONCE at you like I fucking wanted to have sex with you or fucking flirted with you in any way. YEAH I fucking thought you were cute and I fucking thought yeah maybe if we did try to talk it would be nice, but YOU even made it clear to me we were just FRIENDS, SO FRIENDS IT WAS BITCH. SO DON’T COME ASSUMING THAT I WANTED MORE THAN THAT JUST BECAUSE I OFFERED YOU SOME WINE!!! AND for the record, I always tell my friends why they babysitting their drank, THATS JUST ME. And you got some nerve thinking all I wanted was sex from you, THAT WASN’T EVEN in the picture BITCH! THE FUCK? YOU GOTT ME FUCKINGGGGG TWISTED. YES YOU looked bored. YES I acknowledged that. FOR SOMEONE who wanted to talk, you sure WASN’T TALKING. INSTEAD you had me fucking serve your ass. YEAH we are completely different people, I’m just super disappointed that you thought SO HIGHLY of me that I would have sex with you. SORRY, but I don’t know what experience you’ve had with guys, but just because someone offers you to drink doesn’t ALWAYS have to mean they trying to fuck. EWWWWW we ain’t even established a good friendship and you gonna come up here acting like I wanted sex with you. BOO you got me fuckked up. AND YOU HAD THE NERVE to leave when I thought we was gonna hang out? YEAH okay, YEAH CUT! I DELETED YOU ON FB cause you made me feel used and TRUST I’ve done a video about feeling USED by that guy PAT and I learned my lesson from that. SO BEFORE YOU GO ASSUMING THAT I WAS MAD AT YOU FOR NOT SLEEPING OVER – BOO don’t give yourself so much credit, cause you just look like an ass. DID I invite you to sleep over? NO – so please don’t give yourself so much credit. ASSHOLE!

AND FOR ANOTHER RECORD, I DELETE PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK WHO DON’T FUCKING TREAT ME LIKE A SECOND CLASS FRIEND! THANK YOU!

ANYWAY, I’m done with this subject and off I go to do my own thang today. ITS TOO fucking nice outside

OH and I LOVE 2ne1 SWAG

iljb#161: SUMMER 2011 RESOLUTIONS

Make the most of summer, make sure that I do me and make sure that I put myself first and my happiness first before anyone (depending on circumstances). Never will I put what I feel second to please someone else. Never will I do, say, go out of my way for someone to like me. People will like you for who you are, not what you front.

I want to take care of myself better. Be more healthier and continue to work out. I want to make sure I go see a physician for my back before summer ends and make sure that I take care of my over all well being.

I want to get everything in my apartment by the end of summer. I want a TV, a kitchen table, and mini chairs for my apt. I want to make this feel like home and not some place I just sleep in. Its slowly turning out great.

I want to make sure that I save money – spend less on food, and save more. I’ve done a lot of saving in the past few months, given my money out to folks/family/friends…now its time to really save for myself.

I will not have sex with a person this summer just to have fun. Starting today, I will make sure that anyone (which is no one lol) who wants to get it in, I will make sure that I don’t just FUCK to just have fun, but fuck because we’ve known each other for awhile…lol smh…so its gonna be a dry summer huh? LOL

I will do my best to keep a smile on my face. I will do my best not to let my mind get carried away with small things and letting them get into my head.

This summer I want to build a stronger relationship with myself.

2011 has blessed me so much for myself and my family that I know theres more to come. I am grateful, I just need to continue to remind myself why…

- Graduated
- Full time Job
- Lives on my own
- Drives
- <3ing family
- <3ing friends
- bright future ahead (just need to take it one day at a time)

I need to stop worrying about whos not in my life…being single is and should never be an issue.

These past two days…I dunno if its just my mini depression kickin in…or if I'm just tired…
Whichever it is…I gotta get out of this rut.

iljb#160: MOVING PAINS

I’m not trying to please anyone, for awhile now, I’ve been making sure I please myself – do me, make sure to count on myself because in the end its my life and I can only count on myself to make this life count.

Its been so hard – feeling uncertain that my check for the 27th will be enough…I dunno if any of this OT will do any good…I feel like all the OT is not gonna add up…at least for this coming check…As much as I have this “money comes and goes” attitude…I need to be more careful with it, esp. these coming weeks. ITS def. become more evident that even though I have everything in life that I’ve worked for – that I really need to start being careful with it.

These past two days I’ve only eaten one meal…starving myself just to save a few bucks until Friday…sounds real stupid right? I feel like these couple of weeks I’ve just been temporarily doing things to help me avoid my feelings about certain things. These temporary highs…look at where its gotten me…

FUCK gas is so expensive…

This week has definitely come…and I feel like I fucked myself over…Friday is a fucking mess…with Vince’s grad, moving, then Sters bday. Saturday I plan to do OT and attend Sters bday lunch. Then Sunday is FilGrad…o man…so how do I do laundry and go to UC before all this? Counting on myself for all this…sigh…I understand how people have certain priorities in life…and are busy…I know the feeling. I try and do my best, the best I can at that moment, to be there for folks…even when shit in my life is so jumbled…but I don’t feel I get it in return…thats expecting too much…and I’ve learned expecting things from people end up in big disappointments.

I’ve spent a lot of time with family recently…I feel good…its nice being back home…I feel like I learn more about my past than I have in previous years. My family is being blessed month by month with all the blessings God has recently given my family. My faith in God is slowly strengthened each day…I pray that I can be a good Christian and put my faith in him with all my problems…My job, I feel like I am so lucky to have the job that I do have – I’ve been working my ass off to just make it this month and next month…its been hard…I’ve been tired. As far as my friendships…they’re there…I just can’t fully give my all to them right now because I’m so occupied with all this moving and feelings I have…they know this cause I’ve said it to them. It doesn’t mean I care less about them…I just am taking care of myself because if I don’t I’m going to fall hard. Can’t give my 100% to others, if I can’t even do that for myself.

I feel ok…I feel hurt…these few weeks were definitely a roller coaster ride…I talk to myself a lot these days…

I’m moving…it hurts…its happening

Couldn’t help but remind myself

ilikejoaquin VIDEO UPDATE

First and foremost, I must say that I am proud of what I am creating on youtube and on this wordpress. I feel as though its really integrating my videos and a little more explanation to why I did that video. I like it, I’m really doing it yal – like I said I would. I’m excited and its going to be a slow process, but I am doing my best in keeping my word about what I said I would do this year with youtube. I’m giving you roomies more of me than I have in past months and its all me…100%. I appreciate all the continued support, questions, subscriptions, etc. ITS HARD WORK, but its all worth it in the end. I just wanted to just do this side note before I begin .

So this was definitely something I wanted to do for a long time now. I haven’t written poetry for about 2 years and it saddens me because poetry was my life – my outlet…when I was hurting this past year, I didn’t even use poetry to help me understand my emotions…shows how disconnected I have become to my words. Doing this hopefully will give me more inspiration to do more of this, work on it better, and become that writer I know I can be. Speaking of which, I miss my ILDD on wordpress. Search it and you’ll find a short series of stories. I’m gonna plan to do that as an addition to wordpress. So excited. I have so much creative juices flowing that I can’t wait to execute all of them , but remember I have a full time job and one me doing all this – I truly need an assistant haha.

SO this video was about not wanting a superhero – in a sense – not wanting to be saved by someone. We don’t need saving from anyone, we are perfectly fine saving ourselves. We’re strong and have hidden powers ready to burst. Like Katy Perry sings, “BABY YOU’RE A FIREEEEEWORKKK!” . I just got inspired with the word superhero and probably going to add a more legit poem and expand.

Ahh what a soso Friday…let my Saturday start off right I did laundry already, so now I can fully enjoy the sun =]

BBT#2: I can’t stop this feeling anymore

I love glee. Finn wasn’t really someone I thought I’d think was cute, but I have grown fond of him. Anyway, I’m totally watching some animal planet shit lol. I’m like how the hell do these cameras get so damn close. Its like magic. Lol. Well today is going to be real chill too, the best weekend I’ve had at home. I stayed up till 2 playing rainbow six with my bro. Awww it was fun, too bad I sucked at the game, but still it was legit. Vanquish, even though I wanted it like no other, made me mad how I couldn’t get passed the first stage. I’m like ughhhh. I still wanna see dead space.

My fam and I are going to church soon, yee I’m excited. I got a lot to thank god about. Well I’ll continue this later, but this weekend was so perfect muahah. Being SINGLE is wonderful day 2. Yee