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Your growing sense of self worth has come from deep within you — that’s why it’s so strong and meaningful. An identity build on outside esteem, however, isn’t as solid. You’ve taken risks and proven that you are a formidable force. Sure, you may lose your confidence because you stumble here and there, but don’t sweat it. You’re made of stronger stuff than that. Have faith in yourself!

CLOSED CAPTIONS

ramble ramble

i feel dumb right now cause i feel like i should start on my hw, but im stuck thinking of stupid things in my head…i feel like a mess. my head is a mess bc i have so many thoughts running in my head. i want to give up bc thats the easy way out of all this, but i have so many people who depend on me and my strength. it sucks bc when im not at my 100% state, everything else around me seems to just pass me by. i hate the fact that when i am at this state…i cant get a hand from folks to help me out of it. snap out of it…snap the fuck out of it. you are stupid for feeling this way. youre better than this. i know but its crazy how these insecurities of mine have a mind of their own. i took a nap already, but im sleepy again. why? i fucking slept already. sigh i think a big reason of why im feeling this way is bc im out of job. i guess im just going through that motion of how to get back on my feet. its really hit me hard and ive tried my best to be ok…but its not ok…im in a situation that i should have handle much better from the get. sigh its just hard…i have to work extra hard now to get that job. i know i can. i cant disappoint my family…i cant disappoint myself…i have to do this…if anything this is one of the hardest times ive had in a long time…its emotionally draining and its just emotional…the tears that i want to cry arent there…the people that i need arent there…im taking this all out of context…i dunno is that even the right way to describe it? im really just over it…after this month…its done. ill be done…and half way done with my senior year. im over this…im over having this…

if i gotta make it on my own…i guess thats what ill have to do…ive sacrificed a lot already…i dont have the energy to go and apply to grad school…

Listen…

Can’t count on you most of all when I really need it
It’s the simple things that you do, really hurt my feelings
The more I try, the more I’m starting to see it
This can’t work anymore, than you believe it

Goodbye may come as a shock
Even though I love you a lot
I’ve given every breath I’ve got
Sometimes you gotta break down and breathe

And how many times I gave my heart
To how many times we fell apart
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So don’t promise me

And how many times I gave you me
Divided by so many memories
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So don’t promise me

Listen…

I just don’t know what the problem is, what the deal is
Was I there too much, did I move too fast, I couldn’t see it?
All these promises are probably how you deal with it
I’m tired of hearing you say your innocent

Don’t think I forgot
Because I really didn’t care if you’re lying a lot
I’ve given every breath I’ve got
Sometimes you gotta break down and breathe

And how many times I gave my heart
To how many times we fell apart
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So don’t promise me

And how many times I gave you me
Divided by so many memories
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So don’t promise me

We all make mistakes
Sometimes we do desperate things
What does it prove? NOTHING
And you never do nothing wrong

Then what took you so long, took you so long
Cuz I keep, keep hanging on, keep, keep hanging on

And how many times I gave my heart
To how many times we fell apart
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So don’t promise me

And how many times I gave you me
Divided by so many memories
And it equals
A promise in the dark
So don’t promise me

So don’t promise me
So don’t promise me

edit: I just took a depression test – I have moderate depression…

iQuote

I don’t want to be a disappointment to myself.

So I guess thats why I’m so hard on me.

Life you met your match.

Turn Back Time – Joaquin

Turn back Time
(I wrote this May 2, 2003 – Oh man…lol)

“The time is, 10:30am,” the robotic clock spoke.
The repetitive sound of my alarm clock woke me up that morning. I was still too sleepy to wake up and endure the cold air breeze inside my room. It was raining hard that day outside my window. I cuddled tightly under my warm blue sheets. Annoyed and grouchy, I tried to go back to sleep.

“The time is, 10:30am.” My face was pressed against the pillow. I slowly turned to the left side of my bed and opened my left eye to look at the flashing green-lit numbers on my alarm clock. I reached out my hand and pressed the button on the alarm clock to stop the buzzing noise. “Finally, back to sleep.” I was still groggy from the night before.

Matt and Danny came over to my house that night. They told me a new movie was opening at Riverdale 26 theaters. Being bored to death, I decided to go with them. I came home at three o’clock and got drunk. My parents were out of town, so I didn’t have to worry about them getting on my case. They would be back in three weeks from their cruise in Alaska.

My dad’s a president for this big company and my mom’s a doctor at Riverdale hospital. Both get a reasonable income considering that they are immigrants from the Philippines. I’m eighteen years old and they still force me to go to church. Telling me to thank God for the blessings he’s given our family. I still haven’t told them that I’m atheist. But I guess since I’m coming from a Filipino family, I shouldn’t say anything because I have to follow these rules and be respectful.

But that night with my two friends wasn’t worth it. I should have spent that time with Michelle. The sound of my cell phone rang. “What now?” I reached out for my cell phone on the shelf beside me.
“Hello?” My voice sounded as though I had a sore throat.
“Jason, I don’t know how to tell you this. Michelle…” the person’s voice started to break down.
“Jamie, what happened? What’s wrong” I interrupted her as I stood up from my bed to hear what she had to say. I was more than wide-awake now.
“Michelle’s in the hospital, she’s in a coma…” Jamie paused and started to cry.
I dropped the phone in utter disbelief. My memories with Michelle flashed before my eyes.

****

“Class, class pay attention please!” Mr. Amos motioned his hands to clam the Junior class down.
“As you know, today is a very special day. Not only is there a pop quiz,” the students gave a big sigh. Mr. Amos’s tests were all off the subject and had nothing to do with history. Then he continued, “but we also have a new student. She just transferred from Oakdale High School.” Oakdale is not only the best public high school in the county, but it has a reputation for having the smartest students in their school. Everyone in the class looked at her strangely as though to ask, “Why are you going to this school?” Mr. Amos then said, “This is Michelle, please welcome her to our US history class.” He paused and waited for the class to acknowledge what he said.

Then he pointed to the seat next to mine. “Michelle, please take a seat next to Jason, I’m sure he wouldn’t mind you sitting there.”
“Mind? I wouldn’t mind at all” I didn’t realize that I had said what I did until my cheeks started to blush to red. The class broke into a roar of laughter.
She looked at me and smiled. Then she started to walk towards her desk.

She had blackish-brownish, shiny, long, hair. She had light brown eyes and wide caramel lips. She wore brown boots with laces strapped around
them. She wore a brownish skirt with a huge belt around her waist and white tank top with the letters “Angel” engraved in glitter. I swore she looked like Jennifer Lopez, but she was more natural looking. She sat down in her seat and turned her head to me.
“Hi my name’s Michelle.” She sounded so happy to say her name. It just rolled off her lips. She then stretched out her hand to me. What kind of foreign greeting was this? Oh, a handshake.

“Uh, yeah, hi. My names Jason.” I was a little bit confused, but I reached out my hand and shook hers too.
“Do you like this class?” she started searching for something in her backpack. “Not really, Mr. Amos IS pretty boring when he teaches history,” I chuckled and said, “He talks about nonsense and how history is so important. Uh are you sure you got enough books there?” I pointed at the four fat books she had in her little backpack.
“Yeah, the first day of school here and they hand me all these books that I can hardly carry by myself.” She smiled back at me and started to pay attention to Mr. Amos speaking.
“I guess that’s Riverdale High for you.” I said with a shrug. Was I falling for this girl I hardly knew?

Class ended and lunch soon began. I was now in a crowded hallway, where everyone pushed and shoved to get to where they wanted to. I finally spotted my locker a mid the crowd. Then I felt a tap on shoulder.
“Hey Jason, its me Michelle, remember?” Oh how could I forget? “Um, I was wondering if you could help me with my locker.” She was pointing to locker 502, five rows down from mine. I felt a rush come over me.
“Uh, yeah sure.” I stuttered saying the word She then laughed at me and said, “You okay?” I nodded signaling I was. I opened my locker and dropped off some of my books.
“And you say I have a lot of books?” She pointed at my backpack in shock. “That’s a lot! Isn’t your back broken by now?” I started to laugh with her.
“No, its perfectly fine.” I then shut my locker and headed towards her locker.

“What seems to be the problem?” I asked her.
“Well I can’t seem to get my locker open.” She pointed at it and the coded number on a piece of paper she held in her hand. She took her fingers and typed in a six-digit code. “See, it says error.” She pointed again to her locker. I then laughed at her.
“You didn’t type in zero, I was watching you. These damn lockers” I then held out my hand to her. “Can I try?” She nodded and gave me the piece of paper she was holding.

“There you go, ta-da!” I waved my hand around like it was magic.
“Aww thank you Jason.” She then gave me a big hug. I was shocked when she did this. She only had known me for a few hours and now she’s giving me a hug. But of coarse I didn’t resist.
“I didn’t think thugs like you would help pretty girls like me.” She smiled
“Thug, me?” I was surprised when she labeled me.
“I’m just kidding! I just like the way you dress. It reminds me of what rappers would wear.” She walked away and waved a goodbye with a smile. Then she blew a kiss at me. I was confused but I stood there in the hall feeling love struck.
“Did I miss something?”

****

Tears rushed down my face as I drove to the hospital. It was a rainy Saturday morning, and I found the sky echoed my pain and was crying with me as the rain crashed rapidly down my window. I was so confused. Could it be true? Could Michelle truly be dead? Is this just a bad dream? I couldn’t think straight. My mind was going to different places. The sound of car horns passing by me made the drive eerie. I felt like I was in a movie where the main character drives in his or her car in the rain, while being madly insane at the world.

I reached the hospital and calmly parked my car in the hospitals garage. I turned off the engine and slowly exhaled a breath. I laid my head on the steering wheel and whispered to myself, “Lord, please help me go through this, I know I turned away from you once, but please, I need you more than ever.” I lifted my head up and got out of my car. I turned around and made sure my car was locked. Then I asked my self, “Michelle, remember when I got my car?” I started to walk to the main lobby.

****

“Jason, where are we going?” She asked impatiently, “I can’t see with this blindfold on around my eyes.” I took her hand as I led her to my garage. I took off the blindfold and said, “Look what I got. It’s a new Lexus 300. And guess who my first passenger will be?” She looked at me and she smiled.
“Jason, this car is so nice, your parents actually got you this? Black is a nice color for you. Your car now matches what you wear!” She walked around the car as she inspected it. “Wow Jason, you’re one lucky kid.” She looked at me with amazement.
”Come on Michelle, let’s drive to the beach.”
“You mean now? But it’s six-o’clock in the evening.” She looked puzzled.
“Perfect.” I said as I got in my car.

We were on the highway soon enough, headed off to the beach. Michelle never looked so happy. “You’re smiling too much? How come?” I asked
“Oh, well…” she looked outside the window, “you might find this strange to hear, but I’ve never been to the beach.
“Really?” I was shocked indeed, “Where did you say you were from again?” I laughed.
“No silly, it’s just that my parents never…” she looked at me, “they think there’s no point in going. They think its just unnecessary leisure.”
“Wow, your parent’s are weird Michelle.”
“I know, I know. You don’t have to tell me, but I guess they have their reasons right?” She smiled again.
“Well, I’m glad I’m the first one to take you to the beach. I promise you’ll have the best time.” I enthusiastically said.

We arrived at the beach. It only took a few minutes to get there. We got out of the car and I walked towards her. I placed my arm around her shoulder and we started to walk down the beach. The orange color on the sun was just perfect. It reflected on the waves that crashed on the beach. “Jason, it looks so wonderful.”
“Yeah, it does, doesn’t it?” I held her closer to me. She smelled sweet strawberries. I spotted a wooden bench off to the side. I told her we could sit there and watch the sun set. She agreed. I sat down as I motioned for her to lay her head on my shoulder. She was wearing a white silk dress with pink flowers on it that made her look like an angel

“Jason? I know this will sound odd,” she paused to think, “but how long does it take you to spike your hair?” She laughed as she ended her sentence.
“Well, it only takes a few minutes. Why do you ask?”
“Nothing, it just looks perfect.” She smiled again. I felt so happy just having her next to me as we watched the sun set.
“Jason, do you love me?” she turned her head and looked me in the eyes.
“Of course I do, you know that. We’ve been going out for nine months now.”
“I know. But I just think I’ve found that special someone to spend my whole life with.” She then kissed me on my cheek. Then slowly kissed my lips. We spent a few hours their at the beach until it got dark. We then headed home. I dropped her off at her house. Before she got out of my car she said, “Thank you Jason, that was the best moment in my life so far. Thank you for making it so special. I love you.” She then kissed me on my lips and said, “See you tomorrow babe.”

I stood in front of Michelle’s room, motionless. As I saw the crowd of people around her bed, I began to feel a surge of tears ready to fall. “Jason…” I turned around and found Jamie, her best friend, trembling, with a trail of tears down her eyes. “Jason…I…” She fell into my arms as I supported her and held her while she cried. It was almost unbearable to see so much pain, and I almost felt myself ready to fall. We sat down in the waiting area, attempting to compose ourselves.

“What happened? How could something like this have happened? Where?” Jamie looked up and I turned around to find Michelle’s mother in the same state as we were. Her face was pale, with mascara running down her cheeks.
“She was driving to see you,” her mother said.
At that very moment, my heart dropped and I began to feel that gulp of tears again as she continued. “She wanted to give you this box…” She handed it to me, and I reluctantly took it. I couldn’t bare to open it, at least not yet. “Can I see her, please?” Her mother nodded and I began walking towards her room. The walk there seemed like a journey, as if I remembered everything that I ever knew about her; the way she walked, the way she wore her hair, the way she smiled whenever we were together. Then I saw her for the last time. She was cold, lifeless, tubes flowing everywhere.

I wanted to hold her; I wanted to wake her up and tell her everything I should have. I sat next to her. “Baby, what happened? Why did you want to see me? I wasn’t worth it. Baby why?” I decided to open the box she had wanted to give. I read the card, “Happy nine month Anniversary. I love you with all my heart and soul. You make me complete.” I stopped breathing. The only thing I felt were the cold tears down my cheeks and the wind blowing on the back of my neck. I knelt beside her and held her hand. I couldn’t say anything; there was nothing that I could say to make up for not being with her last night. So I knelt there, almost in prayer, and stayed beside her, praying to God once more, that he would give me one last chance to say “goodbye.”

iljb#69: I was a bad kid…

Saturday, April 05, 2003

…I got home and I had the biggest headache. I couldn’t stand it. My legs were also sore from Mondays work out. My mom then asked where he took me. I said, “Does it matter?” And walked out of the room. I could then hear her complain to my sister in tagalog how rude I was T__T. My family don’t know what happens in my life and could care less, so I don’t think they have the right to say shit. I then decided to take a nap at 7pm. I ended waking up at 9:30 or so. I was real pist at this point because my bio lab wasn’t done yet. Thank god it was gonna be Wednesday…I still had time to finish my lab at school. I took the rest of the night watching Bend it like Beckhem.” Oh man is that a great movie. I slept about 12:00am that day.

Wednesday was droopy and gray like Tuesday. In drawing class I finished my bio lab and Mr. Wada really could care less of what I did. At lunch, Kenneth helped me with my lab chart. I was so worried I wouldn’t be able to do it. Sigh…but I did the best that I could. The day ended with track. It was raining again and blah blah blah. It was an okay work out. When I got back to school, it rained a lot. I was waiting for my ride when they passed me. That meant, I had to walk all the way to the parking lot in the rain. I was real pist. I got in and dropped my backpack, my moms portable T.V then drops.

“Wacky, be careful!.”

I resonded with, “Its my fault?”

Then she goes saying something and says, “Bitch.”

At that point I was angry and crying my heart out. My mom didn’t say anything and she let it go. She kept offering me food, but I kept on saying no because I didn’t want the food that my sister bought anyways. Sigh…that was such a sad day…I hadn’t cried in a long time…man…I kept thinking…suck it up…suck it up.

Tuesday, April 22, 2003

Aww to make things worse. I’m not going to prom anymore. See. This girl Fara asked me to go with her a long time ago. And I was all hehe yay, bragging rights (as Joaquin said). And I was like excited. I even got a 45% discount on the Mens Wearhouse in the mail yesterday. I was so happy. Then Fara IM’s me and tells me some bad news. She says that her ex-boyfriend wants to go with her to prom and they kinda wanna get back together. And honestly I was all dude just go with who you want to go with, him obviously. And she was all noo but I wanna go with you cause I’d have more fun with you. And I’m all nahhh go with whats his face. haha. And so she asked me if I was hurt or pist at her. In a way I’m 30% butt hurt and pist. But its all good. At least I don’t have to pay right? But to make up for it she wants to take me to Sadies this Friday. I was all uh…I don’t think my mom would let me (in my head) and I said maybe. Then we hung up like that…

I tell my mom the whole story and I see her face change to excited, laughing at the story, getting worried, then pist. I was all what the hell? She says no you can’t go. I was all why not? She stood you up. I was all not really. And she goes what if you did get the tux…thats true, but I went…but I didn’t. And she was all no!!! Like it was her final answer. And I said, no, I got nothing to do on that day, I get out early, and I wanna go out. Shes all you act like you want it bad and your going to die. And I’m all actually I haven’t been outside this damn house because of your strick filipino rules thank you very much. And shes all well you don’t know what her boyfriend might do to you so no. I’m all her ex? What the hell? Anyways, its Sadies…No, its going to be in public. I’m all wtf…hello its school runed. And I’m all…uh there are parents who are going to be there. Shes all who…who? I’m all parents. Then she goes well I’m go by there tomorrow and ask. MY ASS YOU WILL!!! YOU say those things and never do. Most likely I might go. So yeah…fun? maybe…heartbroken…kinda…but its all good…I have my SMILEZ haha…yeah…he was pist at me tonight…stupid Joaquin…grrr…but we cool now I guess. hehe he can’t stay mad at me forever…I MEAN look at me haha. Eww…no seriously look…discusting. haha. Well…whatever happens happens.

Monday, April 21, 2003

Joaquin was tripping today. I was trying to say sorry for what I said last night. I was saying, “Dude I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say I’m embarassed to be your friend, dude hehe your my friend, it was a joke.” But he hung up and was being a brat all day today. So I had to hear his bitching ass say, “Oh you know what Joaquin did last night…hes embarassed to be my friend.” You asshole…I don’t even know why I was saying sorry after you kept on doing that. What do you want me to do? IT WAS A JOKE…and besides don’t live in the past. I aint trippin anymore…you said you were just playing around…eh whatever dude…But I guess thats cool to know, you actually care if I do count you as a friend.

(wtf was I doing with my life back then? ew I woulda slapped me LOL)

iljb#68: I figured I’d worry

I am just bound to kill myself in worries. I mean I can’t help it right and even if I could – I always want things to have a plan or some sort of reasoning behind it. Worry…that best describes me. I worry too much about the little things because I am paranoid and because I am insecure about certain things. Its funny how I can just pretend and act like I got it all handled, fact of the matter is…I’m a hot mess. I figured I’d worry because playing it too safe or not being careful in what I do ends up in chaos…I hate chaos.

I think about relationships, work, school, me constantly. I can’t take a break with my thoughts. I just imagine one day that everything in my head will just stop running around and just for once sit and just take things as they come. But its not like that…my head/mind is like a busy street downtown sf. Everything and anything is crossing, walking, driving, honking…its a mess. I woke up today thinking of the worries and insecurities I had from the night before.

I can’t blame myself, but its so easy to ya know. Its only right to. You know…I hate when I’m not all together because I can’t be there for those who need me…I end up being mia or just not there completely. Like I told Terri a week ago, I felt like I was there…but mentally I was somewhere else…just out of it…Today…I couldn’t believe what was occuring…again…I’m here…where I was a month ago…I can’t believe that it was just a week ago when the world seemed to just crash down. It seemed so much longer.

I figured I’d worry because there is much to. I took my GRE yesterday and the writing wasn’t my worry – it was the quantitative and verbal. Shit…I didn’t study for it and well…it showed in my scores. Luckily those scores aren’t the ones to determine my grad school. You know…this grad school business has just been in my head…I haven’t really been doing any application or writing…See…the reason why I’m doing a lot of the things I’m doing right now is because I decided I was going to grad school…but damn…I’m so worried that I wont be able to get there…I’m so scared…I feel so alone…

Mentally and physically I’m tired…I mean…my eyes just want to shut down because I’m so tired…I had a relaxing weekend however, but if all works well those weekends will again turn into work weekends. I don’t have time for these thoughts running in my head…but shrugs…its there…so I figured I’d worry…cause its the only thing I know for sure I do best…

iljb#67: Oh fuck…

I don’t think I’m there yet, however, its a feeling that I am aware of and well I wouldn’t be surprised if it slipped out of my mouth. When am I supposed to say it? Am I even supposed to say it? I even asked a friend…when should we be official…I mean it has been 2 months already…I said 4 months, then she goes thats like too late for me…and I go mmmm I dunno…I don’t want to ask =X haha. I guess I’m just enjoying right now…and I feel lucky.

Oh FUCK…I love you is a funny statement though. haha

iljb#66: Positive

I’m slowly realizing that being here in the Annex is dumb. lol I hate being here because I shouldn’t be here yet, but I decided to go because I lightweight miss it. =] BLAH that. ANYWAY, I just realized something, all my classes are already giving me final papers and instructions. WHAAAAA =[ this time, I plan to be prepared. THANKS.

How?

Simple…take a look at the picture above.

iljb#65: FOTM

After awhile, I’ve revisited my blogs and what I’ve wrote and it boggles me that some of the things I wrote…I wrote. Also, I feel like my own Carrie from Sex and the City (btw I’ve been calling it Sex in the city. lol). I write about these things, experiences, thoughts about life and I record them so that one day I can look back at them and reference them…or others can reference them. Speaking of referencing, I found out that some of the video I took this summer for SoCal are gone…=[ it makes me sad because they were really funny. I guess we'll have the memories left in our heads =[ saddd...this is why my life should be filmed on an every day basis cause its pretty interesting (as boring as I might make it to sound). You want the "REAL WORLD", shoot...I got the Real World for you.

Speaking of the Real World, I've been actually enjoying the real world this weekend. Haven't touched a single homework just yet because I'm enjoying my peace in my room, even though its HELLA sunny out. I guess its my way of giving me a day to relax because I have been working up at storm. I'm so glad last weeks over...a real rough week for me. But you know what, I made it through and I was able to help others on the way. I found out something I didn't know about myself this past week and that is me just being a simple kind of guy. I mean I've been knowing that, but the fact that someone recognized that and told me is comforting. Additionally, my friend told me that, "Because you've taken care of us, maybe its time to watch out and take care of you", a real nice gesture of appreciation I might say. Its nice. To know that even after all the bad shit that has happened in my life, I can count on people to lift me up at my darkest moments...and trust, I had that dark moment this week...it was a fucking storm.

FOTM - Focus on the Moment. Its so interesting how I found this picture at the time that I did because it makes me reflect on what that means to me. Focus on the moment, how about MOMENTS. Which I do...I carefully focus on the moments that either make me mad, sad, happy, or overjoyed. I guess another way of putting it is, take it for what it is. I mean thats what I've been doing this past week...taking each moment for what it is. This past week also brought past friends and relationships back into my life. Kind of caught me off guard, but I took each moment for what it was. Its "a start" as I like to say. Also I look at it as, if you've been hurt by folks and someone just reaches out to you in a way that you feel in genuine and true, I say let go of all that animosity and regret, and take that moment - focus on that moment - and take it for what it is. FOTM. Sometimes we loose that focus and end up somewhere far from that moment...and we end up not being grateful for that moment[s].

The time to grow up…the time to forgive…the time to let go of all that was bad…is now. It is those moments where you just say to yourself, “everything will be okay.” even though its been ages since you felt this way. FOTM and take it for what it is – a step, a marker, something that bridges you and that experience/person. FOTM.

I think too much…I want to record all that I know is good…but I’ll take it in strides and FOTM…do what I can do now…and eventually those moments will not only be recorded by me, but by others.

I believe in moments – bad and good – because either one molds us to be more brave, more daring, more than we ever expected to be. These moments – whichever they might be – are the moments for us to focus on.

Things could be a lot worse right now in my life…as bad as they are right now, I gotta remember that they could be a lot worse. And when and if they do – I know I’ll be prepared.

I gotta not only stay FOTM, but FOTM[s].

Horoscopes

If your social life isn’t quite up to par right now, don’t spend too much time dwelling on what’s wrong with it. You have to be the one to get the ball rolling. Stop with the pity party and get started planning a real party. If the world isn’t sending you the invitations you want, it’s up to you to create the social situations you crave. Show people you want to get social — they might not realize it.

Horoscopes

You are gaining a whole new level of appreciation for the value of your friendships. The warmth you feel from these connections will maintain your great mood today and bring you to life. This is a wonderful opportunity to figure out what kind of friend you want to be in return. How do you get there? Speak of other people in a way you would want them to speak of you and listen without interrupting or looking over their shoulder.

Horoscopes

Today a new opportunity for upward mobility will arrive on the scene bright and early. Don’t wait too long to address it — the good fortune pendulum is swinging back your way, and it’s bound to swing away again before you know it. Reach out and grab this chance, even if you don’t feel completely prepared. This sunnier weather in your professional universe will put you on a path to a bigger, fancier lifestyle full of complicated changes.

thoughts…

yeah, i am pretty simple. i like simple things. no need to impress me with stuff. the most important thing to me is when people listen and just be there for me. even if thats 2 or 1 or even 30 mins of their time. as a kid, no one listened to me. in middle school no one listened to me. yeah i am pretty simple and you know what…i didn’t know this until lena told me today.

thanks.

Horoscopes

You’re revved up to tackle some work issues that have been on your mind — or on your desk — for quite some time. And, silly as it might sound, your attitude really does determine your altitude at the moment. Applying your positive force brings positive results, and quite possibly in a quicker timeframe than you might expect. One caveat: Double-check your communiques (emails, memos, even what you say) before you send them.

To be honest…its hard to feel positive when you just dont have that strength in you…

Horoscopes

You cannot be everyone’s best friend — in fact, you can’t even expect everyone to like you. So today stop putting so much effort into pleasing someone who clearly cannot be pleased, at least by you. You two are just not compatible, and there’s nothing wrong with that. If everyone liked everyone, the world would be a very boring place. Be grateful for your friends and stop worrying about the ones you don’t have.

iljb#64: Trouble in the Fam.

“I’ll pay you $200 dollars every month if you lend me $900.”

It seems like all that hard work to get shit paid ain’t enough. I’m trying my best…$900 more? Damn…I’ve helped enough…$2000 dollars out of my own money…now $900? FUCK. I’m barely making it right now because of work…I can only take care of myself…I can’t take care of 4 other people…grown adults for that matter…

Yal don’t understand…its not that I don’t want to hang out…its not that I’m picking and choosing…its just I have way bigger responsibilities than I thought I’d ever have.

“Pray for your brother…hes lost all his hair…eyebrows…lets hope its not cancer.”

How the hell do you take that information in? Shit…I’ve had a scare with my mom with breast cancer…now its my brother? I mean…fuck…I’m out here getting mine…its hard…I’m sad.

I’m not going to school to just get an education…I’m using my financial aid so I can help my family out.

Man…=[ this sucks…this really bites…I gotta hustle more…I gotta keep that smile…
but right now…its hard when I got shit to worry about like this…money….health…

“If your brother loses his job…thats it for us…”

sigh wtf?!?! mann…..=[

UGHHHHHHHHHH

iljb#63: I FEEL…

as though I shouldn’t be here. Where is here? The library…I know, I know, I’ve chosen to be here…I could be technically anywhere right now, but I chose to be here. So…why am I so upset? I’m upset because I feel like all this work, all this studying, all this annex work…is it all worth it? Am I going to look back and say…damnnn Joaquin, you sure worked your ass off fall semester…Shit…if thats the case…why do I feel like I’m still half ass’n? I feel so…well…disconnected right now with my friends, feelings, goals. Ultimately, I’m left feeling lonely…

Things have been just bothering me and just eating me up…my insecurities have definitely re-surfaced. However, I’m finding that I am able to face this demon that I once hid from and speak to “it”. I’m telling it to stop bothering me, I understand that things are not what they used to be – I am not what I used to be…but I’m telling it to stop. It feeds me so many lies, I swear I feel like I don’t know which ones are the truth and which ones are lies anymore…I feel so…

Well to begin with…I started thinking today…is this graduate school idea the best idea for me right now? Looking at what I need to do, what I need to get…I just feel like its overwhelming – I’m not even sure anymore…I don’t know where my life is going to take me next semester…You know whats weird…the fact that a few weeks ago…I had no problem with saying, “DREAM BIG” or “I CAN’T GIVE UP ON MY DREAMS.” But why does it feel like I’m giving them up right before my eyes…I have these jitter bugs…I don’t know if I can do this anymore…sigh…

I sit in class and I half pay attention because some of the concepts have been repeated over and over – being an Asian American Studies major has definitely just drained all the energy out of me…it sure has just become more of a pain learning all this shit – but a good pain because it hurts that this has been affect me and the rest of my community for years now. I know that what I do now is going to benefit my community in the end. I will become a counselor – a teacher – someone that makes an impact in ones life…

SIGH right now however, I feel so…alone…

I want to say what I feel, but I’m hurt. I want to say everything…

iljb#62: Closing Time

If I decide to take a step away from this reality – forgive me – because I’ve been needing an escape. I address this because I am sure it is time to close shop, time to relocate, time to take my business else where. Forgive me, the time spent here was all and more than I could have ever asked for – its been amazing in fact – but times have changed and its about time that I put up my sign, “CLOSED”. Some customers are happy, some aren’t – but the only one you got to please is yourself. Some time soon, I’ll open up again, put my sign up, “OPEN”, smile and wait for the arrival of new customers. Just like I did before. Oh those days seemed like they were yesterday. And if they ask…why’d you close – I’ll reply, I decided to take a step away from this reality, I’ve been needing this vacation. If they continue to ask I say, don’t worry – everything will be ok.

Closing shop soon.